DOS & DON'TS

You've got to be out of your mind to commit suicide by tiger. Comments/Enlarge | See all

Waiting out your girlfriend’s straight-edge phase is so nerve-racking it’s like trying to get to sleep the night before Sexmas. Comments/Enlarge | See all

		DEAR DIARY Entry: June 11, 1997

		DEAR DIARY Entry: September 1997

		DEAR DIARY Entry: April, 1998

		DEAR DIARY Entry: 1991

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ALSO BY LESLEY ARFIN

		DEAR DIARY Entry: November 1991

		DEAR DIARY Entry: January, 1995

		DEAR DIARY Entry: 1990

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IN THE MAGAZINE

DEAR DIARY

Entry: October 1990

October 1990
Dear Diary,
When Mike asked me out it was a joke—thank G-d! I think I’m getting a math tutor. Halloween was awesome. Me, Sheryl, and Amanda all wore skeleton earrings. Alexis frenched Ian. I’ve never really kept a straight diary like this. I hope when I die it’s published. Like Anne Frank AND Laura Palmer! I just got Laura Palmer’s diary and it is VERY dirty and VERY good. I know who killed her. Too scary to write. Well, it’s B.O.B. but don’t ask who he is. Today I went to the library and shopping and the best thing happened. I got my first bra!! Awesome. I [heart] you.
[heart] Lesley
ps—Beware Of Bob!!!

January 2003
I remember that day, when I got my first bra. I wanted to try it on for my sister and when she saw it on me, a dead silence filled the room. The bra was like, a double-fucking-triple-A size, and it still didn’t really fit. I used to pray for big tits all the time. I was also totally obsessed with Twin Peaks, and if you’ve never read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, I suggest you do so now. It’s a lot better than mine. She started doing cocaine in her underwear and having threesomes when she was, like, 14. It’s fucking brilliant. And by the way, “Who killed Laura Palmer?” was the “Who shot JR?” of the 90s. But what about the new millennium? Why does TV suck so hard right now? All answers and no questions. It’s the pits. A lot of people remember where they were during the final episode of Twin Peaks. I was at my friend Gabe Rotter’s house and I was so scared that I farted. Gabe and I are no longer friends.

LESLEY ARFIN

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Comments

Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote: weird, i’m going through season two of peaks right now and i’m pretty sure i remember someone telling me who killed laura palmer but i’m trying to convince myself otherwise.

Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote: This chic is the most boring hipster douche ever. My life as a boring retard. Her writing sucks. She must have sucked dick to get a job at vice.

Anonymous, on Oct 28, 2008 wrote: "castrate rapists" ?

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