TIDBITSA Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Nature Issue
1 THE AFRICAN LUNGFISH
Don't know much about this one. It looks like some kind of eel. I'd imagine it eats small fishes and it probably moves super-fucking fast, like it could just snake around a tree all slinky and then whip away in a flash. When it is ready to die I bet it goes to a secret spot somewhere far away because it is ashamed.
2 ROBINS?
I remember reading once that there's some kind of bird that eats fermented berries on purpose. They see normal berries right there but they ignore them because the bad berries get them drunk. Then they fly around and bump into shit. See? Getting wasted is natural. I don't know if these are the birds, but this is what I imagine them to look like.
3 CHIMPS
Did you know that soon after Planet of the Apes came out some apes literally went to war? It was in, like, 1974 or something and there was some tribe that figured out how to attack other tribes en masse and steal their women. They would cooperate and work as a team destroying shit. Oh yeah, and a friend of mine got tricked by monkeys in India. One of them came up and was like, "Hey, hey, look at me" while the other one reached down and grabbed the guy's peanuts. So going to war is natural and robbing people is natural.
4 ANTEATERS
Do anteaters eat army ants? That must kill. I had army ants bite my legs once and it was like being shot with a hundred BB guns. My brother laughed so hard he had the dry heaves.
5 SLOTHS
Sloths are the laziest pieces of shit in the world. They move so slow algae grows on them. I heard that monkeys spend an average of two hours a day handling food and shelter and they spend the other 22 hours just fucking around. Sloths probably spend even less than that! I mean, they're basically in a state of hibernation, so how much food can they possibly need? Predators avoid them because they're poisonous (possibly).
6 THE LONG NOSED BANDICOOT
This little guy looks like he's constantly shitting his pants in fear. Did you ever wonder if some animals lead horribly stressful lives? Like the pygmy shrew. Apparently it has to eat twice its weight in food a day just to keep up with its crazy, run-all-over-the-place metabolism. I think animals like that and mice and this guy just run around thinking, "Please kill me. My life is a bad acid trip."
 7 DEER
And then you have deer. Walking through the snow all year begging for "just one berry." That must be a living hell. By the end of the winter they're all gangrenous and infected with ticks. Maybe they experience "deer depression" and would kill themselves if they only knew how.
8 MOOSE
Moose get covered in blackflies in May and June. He has bugs biting his bag and asshole and crawling in his ears. Fuck. Then he doesn't have any hands or places to hide. He must go fucking nuts. Like, "Get the fuck off of me, Aaaaaah!"
9 THE SEA SWALLOW
Then there's birds. They can fly anywhere they want, anytime, for miles and miles and miles. Maybe they experience a constant euphoria we could never know. They're constantly on E but without the sketchiness. Maybe animals have a way wider range of emotions than we do. Like moose and deer and, say, bats, know a living hell only cancer patients could understand and then birds experience this high that only a 14-year-old virgin getting a thousand blowjobs in outer space could understand.
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We keep losing the names and addresses of the people who send us these, so stick the info to the back of the Tidbit or something.
 Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote:
Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on | | Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote:
golliwog candies!
if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need. | | Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
sit on my face | | Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote:
Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;) | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry. | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts. | |
| crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote:
i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah. | | Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote:
aw i love this | | Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote:
i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling. | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
nacism? | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Don’t you know SHIT is the shit? | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
POT
"Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!!
smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow | | Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
bag hutch | | Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote:
sink ma teef innit
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| Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The eyedrops are not american | | Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote:
That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief. | | Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote:
Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years. | | Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote:
BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!
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