NEWSLETTER



DOS & DON'TS

Remember all those soul-deadening jobs where they’d make you wear some stained-up secondhand workshirt that came down to your knees and how hard you’d try to cool up the periphery in case you ran into anybody you knew? I wonder if that’s why punk and goth girls always cram so much shit on their necks and arms. Comments/Enlarge | See all


Chemical castration for pedophiles, yeah, yeah, whatever. Can we please start talking about what the punishment will be for the people who went to see I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell instead? Comments/Enlarge | See all






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ALSO BY JOHN MOORE

GARAGE GOES ESKIMO
How Wiley Changed Pirate Material
ALL CATS MUST DIE
It's Your Job to Kill Them
NAH TO GALS
Tinchy Strider Don't Care

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ALL CATS MUST DIE

It's Your Job to Kill Them

Todd Forrest says: "This is camellia. Is it in Japan? Camellia originated in places like China and Japan." Photo by Stephen Sprott


I hate cats. Not in an "I love dogs" way or a "women are from Venus, men are from Mars" way. I hate cats because they perfectly sum up why everything humans do is wrong. That is why anytime I see one I coax it over, pretending I have food, and then CRACK! Ikick it back across the road. Believe me, my heart is in the right place.

Cats are the most barbaric, sadistic animals in the world.

Sure, it's nice when they say "MeowHieverybodybrrrr" when they come into a room. And it's sort of beguiling when their paws go big when asking for something they love, like milk or tuna, but if you look at it from an environmentalist's perspective, cats are the most dangerous parasite on earth since man.

The way a cat kills a mouse or a bird is nature at its most savage and cruel (bloodcurdling meows one second, entrails in your slippers the next), but it's how often they do it that is really fucking things up. Recently, the musty-smelling profs at the British Mammal Society estimated that cats kill more than 250,000,000 creatures a year. Their primal urges are singlehandedly devastating the robin population, for example. While cat food may satiate their hunger, it doesn't kill their hunting instinct, and that is precisely the problem. Every cat you let outside equals a dozen dead birds before it gets let back in, and these birds are killed for no reason whatsoever. Isn't that why we hate hunters so much? At least hunters actually digest their prey and don't touch endangered species like dormice. (Though mice and birds are the main victims, cats are also destroying entire populations of voles, shrews, bats, and even baby rabbits.)

As with most environmental catastrophes, this new threat to the bird population can be traced back to man. We brought cats to Britain to control the plague-carrying rats that were threatening our potatoes. Now we pamper them all day and send them out to kill twice their weight in biomass every night, no matter what.It's not like cats need or even want to go outside. They are surprisingly content with shitting in a box and restricting their domain to your apartment, so there is no reason to let them out. "Most cats are opportunists who catch whatever they come across," says the spokesman for the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. "The most abundant or vulnerable are their targets, and if people don't start keeping their cats indoors the bird population may never recover."

JOHN MOORE

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Comments

Anonymous, on Nov 14, 2009 wrote:
FUCK CATS I WISH THEY ALL EXTINCT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous, on Nov 14, 2009 wrote:
FUCK CATS I WISH THEY ALL EXTINCT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous, on Nov 14, 2009 wrote:
FUCK CATS I WISH THEY ALL EXTINCT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous, on Nov 14, 2009 wrote:
FUCK CATS I WISH THEY ALL EXTINCT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous, on Oct 21, 2009 wrote:
Cat = Pussy
Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
fucking shit animals
Anonymous, on Sep 7, 2008 wrote:
Screw you ass hole! And your fuckin cats! I will kill your cat and whip your ass myself if you harm any of my cat hating friends, you punk biatch!!!
Anonymous, on Aug 27, 2008 wrote:
I love cats u assholes i love them as a matter i own one asshols ill kill u!!

I’ve got two cats, if you kill them and I WILL KILL YOU!

Anonymous, on Aug 6, 2008 wrote:
John Moore, you rule! I wanna join your cat hating fan club dude!
Anonymous, on Aug 6, 2008 wrote:
thats what baseball bats and pelet guns are made for, target practice on cats, kill them all, meowing sons of cunt bitches!! I hate them, I hate them, I hate them! DOGS RULE!!!!
Anonymous, on Aug 6, 2008 wrote:
Cats are demons and evil monsters, for some reason white dudes always have at least one or two cats in thier homes and I dont get it, are cats demons that poses white people to be thier pets? WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY?
Anonymous, on Aug 6, 2008 wrote:
Cats are annoying pieces of shit that spread fleas and I don’t understand why strangers feed stray cats when they arent theirs, they need to either be nuetered or put to death! Selfish fuckin creatures!
ibibibi, on Aug 6, 2008 wrote:
i fucking hate cats.
Anonymous, on Aug 5, 2008 wrote:
These comment sections have become a gravitational force for all the nutjobs and over-reactionaries. Not to mention those who can’t spell, use punctuation or make any sense whatsoever.

ITS JUST AN ARTICLE DON’T TAKE IT SO FUCKING SERIOUSLY.

Hey Vice, do you guys even read this shit? Is there a way you can rig this thing so we don’t have to scroll through a gazillion dumbass comments?
Anonymous, on Jul 30, 2008 wrote:
Wow, you pissed off all the tree hugging, cat lovers out there. If they paid more attention to the things happening around them, instead of their overgrown rats, this world would be a better place. I can’t believe some of these people actually think harming a human is comparable to harming a cat. Hey, I have eaten cat, while overseas and it wasn’t that bad. I also had dog on a skewer in Korea. Those countries have the right idea. Eat the animals.

We dissected cats in high school too. It seems like our school systems aren’t really fond of cats either.

You go brother. Kill em all and make me some Kung Pao Kitty!
Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
ROT IN HELL you sick, short sighted, self important (insecure), wounded, asshole. Nature created cats and everything for that matter (including your ignorant ass) for a reason. Who are you to decide their fate. God? Buddha? The ruler of the Universe? If I saw you on the street and knew who you were, I would Spit In your Face, and that would be being nice...

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