TIDBITSA Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Heroes Issue - Reader's Thrift Store Finds
JEFF STRYKER DOLL
Last month we wandered into a garage sale in New York’s West Village, and holy shit, do the gays ever have cool stuff! Check it out—the faggot equivalent of John Holmes as a vintage GI Joe–size action figure. Some dude was selling it for $5, because “It’s gross. The poseable rubber penis makes me feel like I’m touching a tiny dead person.” Whatever, homo. Your loss. We were so happy with this find that we decided to do a whole Tidbits special on garage sales. The following five morsels are collected from three consecutive weekends of driving around in our friend’s car going, “Stop here, stop here!”
HOMEMADE SCARVES
The other one this lady made said “Someone in Kansas City Loves Me.” She seemed really reluctant to sell them to us, especially after she heard us going, “Holy shit, how vacant is that? Ha ha ha ha.” But we tipped her an extra $10, so relax, fuckhead. That’s a 200 percent tip.
UNIVOX 7” PLAYER
Some asshole charged us twenty bucks for this—TWENTY BUCKS! If eBay hadn’t made collector culture into the biggest seller’s market since crack cocaine, the guy selling it wouldn’t have been a self-important dipshit who said things like, “Sorry man, that’s what it’s worth.” Fuck you, Michael Moore with less hair and bigger glasses. The first 7” we’re going to put in this little machine is “Never Talking to You Again” by Hüsker Dü. Ya heard!?
TOOTH SCULPTURES
This was made by some crazy bitch to get revenge on a guy after he dumped her. Apparently, it’s a curse in some country where they still eat their enemies’ hearts. She also wrote “Hex” on a hundred pieces of paper and hid them all over his house. He had a pretty good sense of humor about it, though, and he only charged us 50 cents.
POLAROID LAND CAMERA 225
Nobody told us black-and-white Polaroid cameras existed (selfish mother-Fs). It has this neat-o accordion thing that stretches out, and the pictures look like they’re a hundred years old. So we happily spent $50 on the camera and a huge pile of film and sent it to everyone in this month’s issue.
THE BEER BELL
Ever since liberation came out (as Gary Coleman would say), women have enjoyed the fruits of not having to cook and clean and do shit for us. That’s great and everything, but there are one or two slave things that women are kind of bummed about giving up. One is having the shit fucked out of them. They liked that. The other is “getting her man a beer.” No idea why they would tolerate such a thing, but they do, so there. It’s really fun to ring it and when she turns around, shake your empty beer in an “Umm…hellooooo?” kind of way.
 FART FAN
We forget which comedian was talking about how he hates seeing couples on first dates because it’s two people desperately trying to hold in their farts—but he’s right. You’re almost happy when she decides she doesn’t want to sleep over because it’s like: “Bye,” [slam], ppppphhhhhhssshhhtt. So, when we saw this battery-powered clip-on fan for sale, we decided to make it a “Fart Fan” and market it to people on first dates. All you have to do is flick the switch before you let one rip and FAWOOOSHH–– it’s someone else’s problem.
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We keep losing the names and addresses of the people who send us these, so stick the info to the back of the Tidbit or something.
 Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote:
Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on | | Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote:
golliwog candies!
if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need. | | Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
sit on my face | | Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote:
Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;) | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry. | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts. | |
| crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote:
i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah. | | Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote:
aw i love this | | Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote:
i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling. | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
nacism? | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Don’t you know SHIT is the shit? | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
POT
"Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!!
smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow | | Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
bag hutch | | Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote:
sink ma teef innit
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| Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The eyedrops are not american | | Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote:
That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief. | | Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote:
Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years. | | Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote:
BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!
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