TIDBITSA Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Happiness Issue
1 MAKE YOUR OWN DILDO“Hey you, go fuck yourself,” OK I will, “What?” Oh, I made a latex dildo that is an exact replica of my dick so fucking myself is no probs. Come to think of it, double stuffing my girlfriend and then fucking her while I get a blowjob is also no probs. Oh yeah, and when I’m away; having phone sex with her while she fucks herself with my dick is also no probs. Neither is giving it to ex-girlfriends so they never get over me. That too is no probs. See ya. Check www.makeyourowndildo.com or call 1 (800) 515-7121 2 iTunes and iPod
Making mix tapes was a great time and everything but when you put on 3LW as a joke it starts getting on your nerves and you have to re-record the whole thing to get rid of it. Making playlists in iTunes however is so fucking fun it’s actually better than listening to music. Like the guy in High Fidelity that likes to re-order his records all the time, you get to put your stuff into categories like, “classic punk, 80s shit, dirty south” and then assemble and re-assemble great mixes. The best is when you have a problem like, “Shit, how am I going to go from my oi set into Gold Chains?” and then you remember, “Oh I’ll just segue it with one of those cockney spoken word things from Garry Johnson.” And if you don’t have it you can go steal it online. It’s fucking limitless. 3 SPAMFIREThe amount of junk mail in your inbox has more than tripled over the past year and it’s growing exponentially. Depressing no? “No” actually, because no matter how invasive and annoying corporate advertisers get, The People will always be one step ahead (See The VICE Guide to Happiness on p.88). Designed by email genius Michael Herrick, Spamfire is a magical piece of user-friendly software that filters out spam by checking for things like dollar signs, the word diet and website addresses. Before it deletes them, it puts them in a box for you to peruse but once the program gets familiar with your friend list you don’t even have to check the spam box anymore. The best part is the window called “Revenge” wherein you get to “bug the WebBugs” by clogging their website with messages like “You piss me off.” Check www.matterform.com for the latest version. It’s only for Mac now but the Windows version is almost ready. 4 DISHThe only thing worse than sitting on hold at Time Warner Cable is that horrible recording of a woman’s voice saying, “we’re committed to being the best.” Satellite TV is way cheaper and way more fun. You love it when you get it but after the first month you realize all the rad things you weren’t using like the no-talking radio channels with infinite classical or classic rock (and it says what the songs are) or the info button that tells you about the movie you’re watching or the fucking hard drive it has where you can record your favorite shows the same way Tivo does. 5 MEDICATED GOLD BONDUnbeknownst to broads, men have some very serious swimsuit area problems of their own. Anal chaffing (caused by moisture and hair wearing down the crack skin until it is as raw as vivisection) is something men only admit to in closed spaces. They fashion toilet paper into “manpons” and wedge it into their crack in a desperate attempt to dry shit out down there. Well fret no more chappies. All you have to do is: 1 wipe your ass with Wet Wipes, 2 dry it thoroughly with toilet paper, 3 lambaste it with Extra Strength Gold Bond, and BOOM you are done. Go wear plastic leather pants to New Mexico and take a four-hour hike in the desert. See? Cured. 
6 RIM
We’ve always been pro-ass eating (women don’t shit) but what’s a bad boy gonna do when she’s not there for you? Cheat? Oooh gross, stranger ass. No you’re not going to cheat, you’re going to go buy a nice bottle of ass-flavored water and reminisce. I can’t believe I spelt reminisce right the first try.
7 BOX SETS
After you have about 300 CDs or so they kind of blend into a big blob of music. It seems the more you have the less you have to listen to. And if some poor bastard doesn’t have some exciting text going down the spine you may not notice the fucker for years at a time. That’s why we love box sets so much. We’ve barely listened to the Misfits coffin box set, true, and even in the liner notes for the new New Order box set the band admits they never listen to them either but, and New Order second this emotion, they are so Christmas present cozy nice that you just have to have them. Plus they look great on top of your stereo cabinet.
8 PEANUTS DANCING
Remember that scene where they’re all dancing to that amazing piano riff? How great is that? Everyone is on the dancefloor and everyone is giving 110% (Andrew WK would be proud). You could show that cartoon to someone having a bad trip on acid and they’d dry their tears with their sleeve going, “that’s kind of cool” the way little kids do when you convince them to stop crying by being funny (“don’t tell Mom, don’t tell Mom, hey hey look at me, farty farty poo poo”).
9 Night Glasses
Talk about perpetual optimism. Blue has never been so bluey. The only problem with night glasses (so named because they take the glare out of headlights) is you never want to take them off. The yellow lenses make the whole world look like a beautiful happy place, like E for your eyeballs.
To win your free subscription to VICE, send tidbits to:
VICE Magazine, 75 North 4th Street, 3rd floor, brooklyn, new york, 11211, usa
 Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote:
Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on | | Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote:
golliwog candies!
if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need. | | Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
sit on my face | | Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote:
Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;) | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry. | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts. | |
| crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote:
i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah. | | Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote:
aw i love this | | Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote:
i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling. | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
nacism? | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Don’t you know SHIT is the shit? | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
POT
"Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!!
smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow | | Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
bag hutch | | Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote:
sink ma teef innit
| |
| Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The eyedrops are not american | | Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote:
That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief. | | Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote:
Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years. | | Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote:
BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!
| | |
| |
