DOS & DON'TS

Yelling shit from cars is primarily for drunken jocks and other people who haven't gotten over high school but you've got to admit that it's extremely easy and feels guiltily satisfying when you screech away. It's like the beating-off-to-Bangbus of insults. Comments/Enlarge | See all

If you're a psychotic murderer who needs to dispose of body parts across town, dressing up as a Godspell unicycle mime on his way to work is a surprisingly good option. The unicycle case will fit the average-sized kid and people tend to assume the smell is just coming from you. Comments/Enlarge | See all

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IN THE MAGAZINE

NO MORE AIDS

And There's Going to be Fucking in the Streets

Photo by Tim Barber

Good news! Unless you’re a needle-sharing junkie loser homo or someone who likes to indulge in rough, bloody, rawdog bumfucking with one-eyed whores in African shantytowns, then the chance of you contracting HIV is getting slimmer and slimmer all the time.

Right now, a nonprofit group of doctors (who’ve saddled themselves with the rather ungainly title of the International Partnership for Microbicides) is working on a magic new product that can stop boys getting HIV from girls and girls with HIV giving it to boys.

Condom manufacturers all over the world are going to shit themselves when the patent for this amazing new superlube is passed because all girls have to do is rub it inside their vaginas (or mouths or bums) and it stops them giving or taking away. It’s kind of like KY jelly but with added amazing, life-saving powers.

Professor Richard Markham is the director of the Center for AIDS Research at Johns Hopkins University Medical School in Maryland (where the IPM is based) and he’s one of the main people responsible for developing the superlube. Right now, he’s testing it on monkeys and it’s working like a dream. Humans come next.

The Prof told us, “The new product is a microbicide that could be applied as infrequently as once a week or even once a month. It’s transparent to the user, and controlled by the woman, which is an especially important issue in the developing world).

“The process involves engineering the normal bacterial flora of the vagina (lactobacilli that are related to the bacteria in yogurt) to secrete a product that inhibits HIV transmission.”

In January of this year, sciencemag.org reported on the new superlube and said that it’d be at least seven years before it’s available for public consumption, but our Prof is hopeful that it will be available before New Year’s Eve 2003.

“I think the time frame for their use outlined in the article is overly pessimistic,” he said. “Unfortunately, we can’t really put this idea into the public domain until all patents have cleared so don’t run this article yet.”

ANDY CAPPER

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Comments

Anonymous, on Dec 31, 2008 wrote: Wow,the big condom lobby must’ve shut this shit down right quick, huh? I miss these days of vice, when every article was complete fabricated bullshit bent on making you think your own life was boring/shitty

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