 ANIMALS ARE GAY
Five Nonhumans That Make Us Look Feral1. Monkeys
Scientists have followed troops of monkeys around and recorded how they spend their days. Apparently less than five percent of their waking hours is spent feeding on delicious tropical fruits and nuts. They have few enemies so the remainder of their time is spent: observing th...
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  BEATS + RHYMES
This is a rap column. I write about rap music. Been doing it for over five years now (time flies). Lately though, I haven't been in much of a rap mood. Not on some "rap sucks and I'm so bored with everything" kind of way. More like an, "I've been drinking Heineken for five years, and this month I'm ...
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 BRING IT ON!
Cheerleaders Catch a Faceful of CumA wicka-wicka scratch gives way to a heavy-ass hip hop break, which in turn is joined by the theme from I Dream Of Jeannie. Another succession of cuts and Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" melds flawlessly with EMF's "Unbelievable" and a certain Missy tune about getting your freak on before a porno-st...
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 BY DESIGN
Two months ago it was Victorian patterns, but now that raw and scratchy drawings are more trendy than hating your parents, people have dropped their knit tea cozies and are excitedly clamoring around junkies with pencil crayons like they were the second coming. With all the part-time Basquiats out i...
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 CELEBRITY LETTERS
Okay, now on to a whole new and exciting part of this very special letters page.
You see, since VICE is all famous now and we hobnob with the stars and everything, we called on our most popular peers and our most popular peers' peers and said to them, "Dude, can you write us an optimistic a...
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 ELECTRIC INDEPENDENCE
Seeing as most of the minimal techno movement has completely punked out on taking things to the nex nex, and the ironic 80s retro-futurism shtick flooding the underground has worn itself a little thin, it seems that more and more labels are looking to the past to get a clearer vision of the future. ...
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 HEY YOU, I SEE YOU
Staring Problems Aren't Angry, They're Just PointingOnce upon a time, a couple of kids were bored in a bar. Since all they were doing was looking at each other, they decided to have a staring contest. Sound familiar? It should. Staring contests have been around since March of 1832. However, 169 years later (i.e. a couple years ago), two Pensacola, Fl...
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 THE JOY OF PORN
Tracy Nakayama Makes Love Free AgainThat sex you had as a teenager, that totally new and amazing discovery sex? Remember that? Well, you'll never have anything like it again. First of all, you already have hair in weird places and calluses. Secondly, you've done it all. Being playful is one thing, but how many times can you "spontaneo...
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 GAMES
Metroid Prime, the Two TowersMETROID PRIME
Publisher: Nintendo Developer: Retro StudiosPlatform: GameCube Genre: ActionRating: Teen
In the summer of 1994, I picked up a copy of Super Metroid for the SNES. I don't remember much about that summer, as I was always either drunk, working a shitty job, or playing...
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 NO MORE AIDS
And There's Going to be Fucking in the StreetsGood news! Unless you're a needle-sharing junkie loser homo or someone who likes to indulge in rough, bloody, rawdog bumfucking with one-eyed whores in African shantytowns, then the chance of you contracting HIV is getting slimmer and slimmer all the time....
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 LITERARY
Doofus Omnibus, Sweatshop, Angry Youth ComixRick Altergott is a cartoonist's cartoonist. Don't get me wrong, Doofus is fucking funny and I have never read anything remotely like it, but my job as a critic is to tell you something you don't know about the book to give it some perspective. The deal is, Altergott is Dan Clowes' pet love the same...
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 NO MORE WAR
The God Helmet Proves He's Not Worth Fighting ForA brilliant neuroscientist in Canada has invented a helmet that delivers the divine bliss of religious epiphany using not God, but magnets that stimulate the frontal lobe of your brain. No kidding, test subjects have reported everything from LSD-like color plays all the way up to incredibly real vis...
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 MY AMERICA
I'm not sure if this fits. As I understand it, this issue deals with optimism or hope, or maybe it's happiness. I don't know, some sort of cheerleader bullshit like that. These days I am in increasingly short supply of anything resembling any of the above. I get a visceral reaction when I hear peopl...
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 PUSSYCAT PARTY
Happy Banana Wrap Music in FurFur coats are made of mink, rabbit and stuff. Suede is dead cows. The hallucinogenic knitwear made by Elyse Allen and Jim Drain, however, is composed of nothing but skinned Muppets and decapitated stuffed animals....
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 TIDBITS
A monthly look at things we love - v10n11 MAKE YOUR OWN DILDO
"Hey you, go fuck yourself," OK I will, "What?" Oh, I made a latex dildo that is an exact replica of my dick so fucking myself is no probs. Come to think of it, double stuffing my girlfriend and then fucking her while I get a blowjob is also no probs. Oh yeah, and w...
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 THE SECOND COMING
Born Against Are Born AgainSam McPheeters is best known as the front man for Born Against, the best and most influential hardcore punk band of the 90s. He's also responsible for Men's Recovery Project, a scary band called Battle Snake (who only do songs about ATM charges) and the Vermiform record label, which is closing up sh...
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 SHINING LIGHTS ARE RAD
Who Said Erase Errata Were Dark?The first time I saw Erase Errata (on a bill with Black Dice three years ago in a basement in New York) I thought they played the darkest, tightest, rawest music I ever heard. If you haven't heard their danceable pile of drums, bass, guitars, trumpets and voices on the few 7"s they've put out, you m...
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 TICKET TO RIDE
Who Says the Lottery is a Bummer?Most bums play the lottery. About a quarter of them became bums from gambling in the first place so it makes sense. Plus their lives suck. But is the lottery sooo bad?
When asked about the unhappy link between the homeless and their obsession with changing their luck, National Council on Pr...
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 THE VICE GUIDE TO HAPPINESS
Why the bummed-out face lil' guy?HEY, WHY THE BUMMED-OUT FACE LIL' GUY? ARE YOU cold? Do you have the February blues? I'm talking to you there, grumpy Gus. What's the matter? You're not happy? Why? There's no reason to be not happy. C'mon now, we can work it out. I can turn any frown upside down, just try me. You give me a reason y...
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 YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY
Bubblegum Music Blows (Just Kidding)Bubblegum isn't a dirty word any more. Big deal, so you're a sucker for the kind of sleek pop trash that oozes out of minivan radios, hooks a thousand kiddy-barbed claws into your cerebellum and injects its terminal catchiness deep inside, where it will remain long after the grandkids plant your dro...
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