 ANIMALS ARE GAY
Five Nonhumans That Make Us Look Feral
1. Monkeys
Scientists have followed troops of monkeys around and recorded how they spend their days. Apparently less than five percent of their waking hours is spent feeding on delicious tropical fruits and nuts. They have few enemies so the remain...READ MORE |
  BEATS + RHYMES
This is a rap column. I write about rap music. Been doing it for over five years now (time flies). Lately though, I haven't been in much of a rap mood. Not on some "rap sucks and I'm so bored with everything" kind of way. More like an, "I've been drinking Hein...READ MORE |
 BRING IT ON!
Cheerleaders Catch a Faceful of Cum
A wicka-wicka scratch gives way to a heavy-ass hip hop break, which in turn is joined by the theme from I Dream Of Jeannie. Another succession of cuts and Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" melds flawlessly with EMF's "Unbelievable" and a certain Missy tune about...READ MORE |
 BY DESIGN
Two months ago it was Victorian patterns, but now that raw and scratchy drawings are more trendy than hating your parents, people have dropped their knit tea cozies and are excitedly clamoring around junkies with pencil crayons like they were the second coming...READ MORE |
 CELEBRITY LETTERS
Okay, now on to a whole new and exciting part of this very special letters page.
You see, since VICE is all famous now and we hobnob with the stars and everything, we called on our most popular peers and our most popular peers' peers and said to them,...READ MORE |
 ELECTRIC INDEPENDENCE
Seeing as most of the minimal techno movement has completely punked out on taking things to the nex nex, and the ironic 80s retro-futurism shtick flooding the underground has worn itself a little thin, it seems that more and more labels are looking to the past...READ MORE |
 HEY YOU, I SEE YOU
Staring Problems Aren't Angry, They're Just Pointing
Once upon a time, a couple of kids were bored in a bar. Since all they were doing was looking at each other, they decided to have a staring contest. Sound familiar? It should. Staring contests have been around since March of 1832. However, 169 years later (i.e...READ MORE |
 THE JOY OF PORN
Tracy Nakayama Makes Love Free Again
That sex you had as a teenager, that totally new and amazing discovery sex? Remember that? Well, you'll never have anything like it again. First of all, you already have hair in weird places and calluses. Secondly, you've done it all. Being playful is one thin...READ MORE |
 GAMES
Metroid Prime & The Two Towers
METROID PRIME
In the summer of 1994, I picked up a copy of Super Metroid for the SNES. I don’t remember much about that summer, as I was always either drunk, working a shitty job, or playing Metroid. It got to the point where I moved out of my pare...READ MORE |
 NO MORE AIDS
And There's Going to be Fucking in the Streets
Good news! Unless you're a needle-sharing junkie loser homo or someone who likes to indulge in rough, bloody, rawdog bumfucking with one-eyed whores in African shantytowns, then the chance of you contracting HIV is getting slimmer and slimmer all the time....READ MORE |
 LITERARY
Book Reviews - The Happiness Issue
The Doofus Omnibus, Sweatshop, Angry Youth Comix, Twentieth Century Eightball, Sock Monkeys (200 out of 1,863), Sound Collector 8...READ MORE |
 NO MORE WAR
The God Helmet Proves He's Not Worth Fighting For
A brilliant neuroscientist in Canada has invented a helmet that delivers the divine bliss of religious epiphany using not God, but magnets that stimulate the frontal lobe of your brain. No kidding, test subjects have reported everything from LSD-like color pla...READ MORE |
 MY AMERICA
I'm not sure if this fits. As I understand it, this issue deals with optimism or hope, or maybe it's happiness. I don't know, some sort of cheerleader bullshit like that. These days I am in increasingly short supply of anything resembling any of the above. I g...READ MORE |
 PUSSYCAT PARTY
Happy Banana Wrap Music in Fur
Fur coats are made of mink, rabbit and stuff. Suede is dead cows. The hallucinogenic knitwear made by Elyse Allen and Jim Drain, however, is composed of nothing but skinned Muppets and decapitated stuffed animals....READ MORE |
 TIDBITS
A Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Happiness Issue
1 MAKE YOUR OWN DILDO
"Hey you, go fuck yourself," OK I will, "What?" Oh, I made a latex dildo that is an exact replica of my dick so fucking myself is no probs. Come to think of it, double stuffing my girlfriend and then fucking her while I get a ...READ MORE |
 THE SECOND COMING
Born Against Are Born Again
Sam McPheeters is best known as the front man for Born Against, the best and most influential hardcore punk band of the 90s. He's also responsible for Men's Recovery Project, a scary band called Battle Snake (who only do songs about ATM charges) and the Vermif...READ MORE |
 SHINING LIGHTS ARE RAD
Who Said Erase Errata Were Dark?
The first time I saw Erase Errata (on a bill with Black Dice three years ago in a basement in New York) I thought they played the darkest, tightest, rawest music I ever heard. If you haven't heard their danceable pile of drums, bass, guitars, trumpets and voic...READ MORE |
 TICKET TO RIDE
Who Says the Lottery is a Bummer?
Most bums play the lottery. About a quarter of them became bums from gambling in the first place so it makes sense. Plus their lives suck. But is the lottery sooo bad?
When asked about the unhappy link between the homeless and their obsession with cha...READ MORE |
 THE VICE GUIDE TO HAPPINESS
Why the bummed-out face lil' guy?
HEY, WHY THE BUMMED-OUT FACE LIL' GUY? ARE YOU cold? Do you have the February blues? I'm talking to you there, grumpy Gus. What's the matter? You're not happy? Why? There's no reason to be not happy. C'mon now, we can work it out. I can turn any frown upside d...READ MORE |
 YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY
Bubblegum Music Blows (Just Kidding)
Bubblegum isn't a dirty word any more. Big deal, so you're a sucker for the kind of sleek pop trash that oozes out of minivan radios, hooks a thousand kiddy-barbed claws into your cerebellum and injects its terminal catchiness deep inside, where it will remain...READ MORE |
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