ARTICLES BY THOMAS MORTON
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 SOMETHING, SOMETHING, SOMETHING, DETROIT
Lazy Journalists Love Pictures of Abandoned StuffAfter suffering through the nation’s worst and most concentrated examples of racial violence, industrial collapse, serial arson, crack war, and municipal bankruptcy following years of municipal kleptocracy, Detroit is being descended on by a plague of reporters...
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  MEDIEVAL SLIMES
Two Weeks of Living DisgustinglyAccording to such sources as Hollywood, history textbooks, and the word on the street, the Middle Ages were a thousand-year grunge revival in which everybody walked around covered in fleas and mud and you could tell a person's class by the particular stench of their balls. This is total bullshit. I know this because I just spent two weeks adhering strictly to premodern hygiene techniques and aside from a few skid marks, unexplained sores, heavy dandruff, lots of smegma...
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 IF YOU POST PICTURES OF YOUR NAKED GIRLFRIEND...
Vice: How do these thingies work? Do you draw the pictures and add the color when you're done or what?
Nick Gazin: First I draw it, then I block in the colors in watercolor and go over the lines in charcoal...
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 FINALLY
The Breakthrough Institute Wrests Environmentalism Away from the DumbsI'm generally into the idea of "standing up for nature" and "not turning the planet into an uninhabitable trashball," but the thing that's always kept me at arm's length from environmentalism is how completely selfish the better part of its proponents...
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 OH, THIS IS GREAT
Humans Have Finally Ruined the OceanI'm not one of those guys who corners folks at parties to rant at them about biodiesel or calls people "fucking idiots" for being skeptical about global warming. But I should also point out that I'm not one of those Andrew Dice Clay "Fuck the whales" types either.
The problem with all the...
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 IN THE LAND OF THE JUGGALOS
A Juggalo Is King"What is a Juggalo? A dead body / Well he ain't really dead, but he ain't like anybody that you've ever met before / He'll eat Monopoly and shit out Connect Four." -ICP, "What is a Juggalo?"
With the possible exception of the Jews, no other group has eaten as big an amount of shit over...
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 ME AND THE GIRLS
A Crash Course in ChattingOn shows like Gilmore Girls and The OC, high school girls talk like teenage Woody Allens, with every decision grounded in hours of garrulous overanalysis before and after the fact. I suspected this was just out-of-touch TV writers voicing their own neuroses via pretty little mouths, so I followed a ...
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 I JOINED THREE CULTS SIMULTANEOUSLY
Vice made me join three cults for this issue: Adidam, the Moonies, and Aleph. Since Adidam tops the list of "controversial groups" at cult watchdog Rick Ross's website, I figured it'd be the best place to start. Also, their whole deal is worshiping a guru from Long Island who now lives on Fij...
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 ANIMATED GHETTO
Tees for Grown-Up KidsSort of like abortion, thugging out your favorite cartoon character and putting the bootleg on a size XXXXL t-shirt used to be a tricky business. Due to the iron grasp with which Warner Brothers and the other pillars of kids' TV held onto their licenses, the only people you could count on to carry o...
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 HISPANIC PANIC
Excuse Me, the Word Is "Latin"Puerto Ricans have their own parades and shit, but what about the Dominicans? What are they, chopped pollo? According to the last census, these gregarious brown folk may have become the predominate Latin group in New York City. What are we supposed to whisper to each other when a bunch of Dominicans...
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