ARTICLES BY PATTON OSWALT
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 GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES ARE EVIL TROLLS WHO LIVE ABOVE BRIDGES, UNDER THE SUN
They're out there, but not in the darkness. Their lairs are well lit, under the rude, barging glare of fluorescent tube lights. Their skin is pasty gray, almost the same color as their cubicle walls. They've conditioned their bodies to run efficiently on starches, salts, corn syrup, and coffee that tastes like sad crayons. At least four of their weekly meals involve either:
• pouring hot water on a brick of something dry and shrimp-flavored in order to make it soft and shrimp-flavored,...
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  SPIKIN'!
Sideways, But With SmackI’m never going to try heroin. I hate needles. I hate feeling sleepy and smug at the same time. And finally, I’ve never seen it depicted well in movies.
Heroin addicts always end up unwittingly killing a friend or...
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