ARTICLES BY JIM GOAD
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 EAT VEGEMITE?
You Must Be Kidding!Within 24 hours of landing in Australia, I heard the word "multicultural" more times than I'd cumulatively heard it in my entire life. This is hilarious to me, since nineteen out of twenty o' you melanoma-cases-in-waiting are of bone-white Euro ancestry. Why is it that the whitest places are always the ones most hell-bent on multiculturalism? In truly multicultural cities, you don't hear whitey ...
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  SHOUT AT THE JERSEY DEVIL
The Scared Bitch ProjectEvery place has its creepy legends and ghost stories-it's just that New Jersey has more of them than anywhere else. There are actual destinations in Jersey called Mount Misery and Ghost Lake and Shades of Death Road. Jersey is reputedly home to the wailing ghosts of countless dead children and also to the "Hooker Man," a phantom who roams train tracks at night with a lantern, looking for his lost arm....
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 ALL YOUR HEROES ARE DYING
Thank GodLENNY BRUCE
He was many things ... a First Amendment warrior, a womanizer, a hipster and a junkie ... but the one thing a comedian is supposed to be-funny-he wasn't. "Take away the right to say 'fuck,' " came one of Lenny Bruce's most famously self-serving lines, "and you take way the ri...
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 METHTURBATION BLUES
Smoking Tweak Makes My Cock WeakThere is no dignity in what I'm about to share with you. Few things in the world are less classy than smoking crystal meth. Speed is the bastard child of the drug family, cocaine's ugly retarded stepbrother. Like alcohol but unlike almost all other illegal drugs, it causes brain damage. Yet maybe tw...
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 DEAD MUSICIANS
Corpses Are More ProductiveIt is typical of music fans' immaturity and blind self-absorption that they mourn the deaths of their idols. Witness the annual candlelight vigils to mark the passing of self-loathing pasty-faces John Lennon and Kurt Cobain. Worse, note the stubbornly cretinous denial of Elvis and Tupac's deaths by ...
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 HOT MUSLIM TWAT
...Finally!Pornography exists everywhere, of course, but when it comes into societies in which it's difficult for young men and women to get together and do what young men and women often like doing, it satisfies a more general need...While doing so, it sometimes becomes a kind of standard-bearer for freedom, ...
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 SKINHEADS AGAINST WHITE PEOPLE
Why Are SHARPs So DULL?Blood pours from my nose as I stand on a downtown Portland street corner, arguing with antiracist skinheads about grammar.
"Why the FUCK did you have to hit me?" I implore the half-dozen halfwits...
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 GOODBYE LOWER EAST SIDE HELLO HILLS OF WEST VIRGINNY!
For weeks, the hottest ticket on the Lower East Side has been a très private, VIP-only invitation to a lavish "White Trash Party" hosted in the wilds of the South Bronx by underground maven/alternative interior designer/part-time bartender Lex Talionis, whose wildly successful "Gay Martian Party" an...
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