ARTICLES BY DAVID CROSS
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 MAFIA PARTY
I'm going to tell you about a parlor game that sounds like the corniest Christian-camp-organized fun you could imagine but that you will instantly become addicted to, guaranteed (unless you're Janeane Garofalo). The game is called Mafia and a Russian psychologist developed it in the early 70s, so there. Here's the deal: you get a minimum of 12 players (you can play with up to 18) and you sit in a circle. ...
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  THE HATE LIST
A Conclusive GuideThings I Hate:
1. Hate
2. Lists...
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 WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER HERO
All We Want Is Life Beyond The ThunderdomePut down your tube of BedHead and tell me how many people throughout history can you consider true "heroes"? A hundred? A thousand? Wrong. Science has proven that there have been literally millions of heroes throughout time and space. But of course the concept of what is heroic depends completely on...
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 MY AMERICA
I'm rich now but I used to be poor. Boo-hoo. Ever been so poor (it's really about laziness, but...) that you opted to rent your body for medical experiments rather than work a real job?
My first time was for a company testing blood-pressure medicine. I answered an ...
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 MY AMERICA
Fashion! Hooray! Clothing and Accessories! The wealthy people get odd hats and chinos (the work pants of yore), and the poor people get gold teeth and $200 sneakers. I don't even know what fashion is exactly, but I'm all for it. I live in New York, where I moved after a delightful nine years in Los ...
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 THE LAUNCH OF VICE AUSTRALIA
Starring Erik Lavoie, A.R.E. Weapons, and Ryan McGinleyHello Australia,
I'm an American. I write a column for this magazine. I have been asked by someone named Erik Lavoie to write about Australia for this issue. Who is Erik Lavoie? Maybe it is your Prime Minister. Do you have Prime Ministers? I think you do. This brings up a good point, howeve...
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 MY AMERICA
Recently I was lucky enough to have dinner at a really good, really expensive four-star restaurant in New York City. It was at the base of the Trump Tower just off Central Park. I still feel a little guilty, in a white-liberal way. I'll tell you a little bit about the restaurant and then get to the ...
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 MY AMERICA
By the time this is finally published and placed in the little bucket that houses magazines and "funny" books next to your toilet, Valentine's Day will be long past. As I write this, however, it hasn't taken place yet, and to be honest, I'm kind of looking forward to it. I do every year. What's the ...
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 MY AMERICA
I'm not sure if this fits. As I understand it, this issue deals with optimism or hope, or maybe it's happiness. I don't know, some sort of cheerleader bullshit like that. These days I am in increasingly short supply of anything resembling any of the above. I get a visceral reaction when I hear peopl...
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 WHO CARES?
The Totally Retarded Use of the Word RetardThere's a difficulty in writing about retarded people that stems from the word itself. The word retarded, while being technically correct, still feels a little awkward and has an unintended harshness attached to it. But shortening retarded to retard is no solution. It's akin to the use of the word n...
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 MY AMERICA
Every once in a while you see or experience something that jolts you from your narcoleptic existence of useless pleasures and missed opportunities. And you are simultaneously reminded of: A) what can be, and B) just how lame we are as a people, as a culture. Maybe it's an "art car" where someone has...
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 MY AMERICA
Let's stop beating around the bush, I'm famous. Not famous enough to be invited to those parties that Chloë Sevigny gets to go to, where she sits in a corner having her picture taken for obscure magazines. Not that famous, but just famous enough to cause a constant barrage of questions from every id...
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 MY AMERICA
Here's another group of people I'd like to see go back to where they came from: this generation's Luddites.
According to the dictionary, a Luddite is "one who opposes technical or technological change." It comes from Ned Ludd, an English laborer, who, in 1779, destroyed all the weaving mach...
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 MY AMERICA
GOD, LESS AMERICA
Whether they're taped to the window of your local pepper spray boutique, stuck on the bumper of a P.T. Cruiser, or "bedazzled" onto the sweater of every substitute teacher from sea to murky sea, you can find them virtually everywhere: American flags. And what goes b...
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 MY AMERICA
DRUG WAR ENDS IN HUGE SUCCESS!!!
There's a headline you'll never see, unless it's Backwards Day (which I am still trying to get Congress to officially recognize). Unfortunately, the War on Drugs (hereafter to be referred to as "Randy") seems to be getting marginalized these days. Everyon...
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 MY AMERICA
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! I don't know if you've heard, but the Catholic priesthood just got a whole lot sexier! Recently, the Reverend (reverend - from the Latin "reverendus," or "to revere") John Geoghan was sentenced to 9 to 10 years in prison for fondling a 10-year-old boy. That might seem a bit hars...
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