NEWSLETTER

THE BROWN CAVE
After massaging becomes totally commonplace you can occasionally inject a well-lubed pinkie in there when she’s cumming. This is called the Trojan Pinkie Pavlov Horse, or “TPPH” for short (pronounced by making a fart sound with your mouth).

You are going to notice some weird things in there. First of all there’s a lot more room than you expected. Once you get past the bouncers, it’s a roomy club. That’s why butt plugs are cinched where the anus goes but are all big where the rectum is. You may also notice a very prominent pulsating vein. I have no idea what the fuck that is. It’s a vein. Probably a good way to check someone’s pulse if they have fat wrists because the thing is like “bong, bong, bong, bong.” Don’t worry about the vein.

The third thing you may or may not notice is a little soft finger poking back at you like a squishy little Turkish ET. That is a piece of poo. Don’t tell her you felt that or she’ll be all grossed out. Just treat it like a pussy fart and pretend it never happened. Incidentally, the poo finger means you are going to get some shit on your cock. You’re probably wearing a condom anyway but if you aren’t, get to the bathroom the second you are done. DO NOT PASS OUT! Waking up hungover with a shit-encrusted foreskin is a dangerous way to hit the showers. The hot water reactivates the stench and your already delicate stomach will kick food out of your body like a shovel throwing dirt.

THE SECOND DINK
Once she’s kind of into finger cameos, start incorporating the lubed finger during fucking. Now you can start going from pinkies to index to a thumb. Then maybe even two fingers. You are at the point now where the anus has become a baby vagina.

Now she actually looks forward to her daily anal penetration. Don’t underestimate how far you’ve come. This is as exciting as the first time you got a girl’s pants off and was able to finger her properly. If things keep going this well she may eventually learn to cum from it.
Just kidding—only God gets that.

TOY TOWN
Before moving on to Dinktown you can put butt plugs into the equation and other fun toys. Your basic dildo is a good way to stretch out a rookie ringpiece because it has no ridges or things to trigger a cut.

PROM NIGHT
Don’t get too excited, you fuckers. You’re not there yet. Lube the shit out of her ass and your dink and place your dink’s face right at the anus. Then go, “It’s going to go in your ass.” Make doubly sure it’s lined up and say, “Push back.” Unless you’re a 14-year-old on Viagra, things may get a bit bendy here. Hold your dick solid by grabbing it just behind the head the way you would a deadly snake.

It’s important that she relaxes and doesn’t freak out or it’s going to hurt and then you’re back to step one again. One good way to keep it sexual and relaxed is to be rubbing her pussy as she pushes back on it and even throw in some gentle verbal coaxing.

If she’s not into it or it hurts too much, give up and try again in three days. Don’t worry, it’s not over. If you’re really eager to try again you can put it back there just as you cum (assuming you take the condom off like I know you do you dirty bastard) and all the lube of blowing your load will sloop it in. Not exactly a reaming but it’s a good first try.

YOU’RE IN
Once you get it all the way in and there’s no cuts or damage, start going at it at a reasonable pace right away. If you’re too slow it’s going to hurt her more so get that bad part out of the way ASAP.

THE WORD
After the “no cutting it” rule the second heaviest piece of information about anal sex is a magical and totally unique sound she makes that tells you you’ve made it. It’s a word that means you have stuck your flagpole at the top of Anal Mountain and, more importantly, will be invited back again.

The word is a magical four-letter word that sounds like “ungh” but is not to be confused with “uh” or “unh.” “Ungh” is a deep-throated “uuunnngh” that sounds like the person saying it is not the person saying it. Like a demonic possession made her roll her eyes back into her head and replaced her voice with Barry White getting kicked in the stomach. Seriously, it’s almost scary. It’s so Exorcist guttural you expect her head to rotate 360º and projectile vomit to blast into your face followed by the words “mea culpa lorem ipsum nosferatu.”

SURVIVING THE UNGH
Don’t get too proud of yourself, partner. You may have made it but now it’s time to run with the ball like Satan would want you to. Keep rubbing that pussy and up the ante with a bit of dirty talk. Getting her to say “You are fucking me in my ass” is really good for some reason and of course “I love your cock in my ass” is great too.

POST-COITAL
After you cum, take the condom off and throw it far away in case there’s poo on it. If you weren’t wearing a condom then go “pee” and, when you’re in the bathroom, wash it off.

Now that it’s over let’s have a bit of affection. While your red knob throbs down to its original size and jiz seeps out of her ass show her that Dr. Jekyll is back and he still has a huge crunch on her. Try spooning her and singing the following:

“Snuggle frog, snuggle frog, I love you. I got a snuggle frog, how about you?”

Now sleep.


LEMME HEAR YOU SAY “UNGH” 1 | 2 |