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OBSCURE VHS
Everything at uni works along the cost vs. amusement index. Old VHS tapes are practically free – that’s how useless they are – and yet a lot of extremely amazing films are only available on this format. These films are tailor-made for getting stoned in front of on those nights when snakebites at the student bar seem like way too much hassle. Go forage for gems in charity shops and the 99p bins in 24-hour petrol stations.
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DISPOSABLE CAMERAS
Everyone in Britain gets a compact digital camera for their 19th birthday. But, unless you’re one of the few people in the universe who can work digital cameras (see here), your pictures will be mostly rubbish. Disposable cameras, on the other hand, take pictures that look like they were shot on a real camera and cost less than a pack of 20 smokes, so you won’t have a nervous breakdown when you leave it in a cab.
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30 ROCK
If you ignore our advice about the VHS goldmine spilling from every Sue Ryder in the country, then be sure to invest in at least one amazing DVD boxset. Although everyone is over The Wire and has returned to stern-faced stuff like Oz and Homicide: Life On the Street, they are forgetting a key element, our old friend the cost vs. amusement index. I dare you to watch an episode of Oz twice. See, you can’t do it. An episode of 30 Rock, though? Man, you could re-do one of these infinitely and still find the way he says “fizzy water” hilarious. |
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MDMC
For the terminally lazy who still want to party and pretend they’re doing something naughty, this cut-price, order-over-the-internet, quasi-legal cross between coke and MDMA – named mephedrone – is perfect. People may call you out on its floury consistency but once they get a hooter full of the stuff, its instant-nosebleed, fibreglassy consistency will shut them up. It gets you nicely skewed too, even if the after-effects are all-encompassing depression and needing to pee every five minutes. |
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PORNO CARDS
Anyone who went anywhere that rhymes with “Shagalouf” or “Filacracki” on their post-A-level holiday will have a pack of porno cards to show for it and will bring them to university as a week-one ice-breaker. Watch out for people’s initial reactions to them: the classic derisive laugh and feigned disgust, followed by a studious effort to memorise the whole pack. This is what’s called “first week wank fodder” and fits into the same niche as leavers’ ball photos and Hollyoaks. |
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VICE BOOKS
You will have reading lists sent to you before term begins. Their main purpose is to make you panic and realise that university isn’t one big party. But remember that in addition to the endless torrent of journals, post-graduate essays and breezeblock-sized text books that you have to wade through, there are some really great books written by good people that will make your life better. Like these ones. Just saying. |
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BBM
In the dim recesses of the past (also known as 2008), BlackBerrys were the preserve of wankers, businessmen and businessmen wankers. Now everybody has one. Aside from BrickBreaker, the one true marvel of these little guys is their inbuilt messenger function. And because all your friends have one, now you can talk to them for free. BBM is pretty much made for students. Be suspicious of anyone who doesn’t know what PING!!! means by the end of week one.
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COIN HOLDER
Students are a bit like gamblers addicted to fruit machines: they’re always poor and what little money they do have tends to be in mountains of change. Now, loose coins are a total pain. You lose them, they go everywhere when you try and get them out at the bar, and they’re disgustingly dirty, so every time you finger them in your pockets your hands get filthier. Put your change in one of these beauties, however, and the problem will be solved. |
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TAKEAWAY FLYERS
The people who work for takeaways might look like idiots, but they know where you live, and they know you’re a lazy bastard who, after Antiques Roadshow, does not want to cook another stir-fry. So they’re going to put this shit through your door, every day, for three years until you cave in and buy their overpriced filth. They always win, so resist the temptation to throw the flyers away. They also double as an endless source of material for making wraps, roaches and straws. |
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STAMARETTO
Let’s face it: snakebite looks fucking gay. So we invented this to get you slaughtered with your dignity intact. It’s really simple and guaranteed to get you going quicker than a dozen turbo shandies (which are also totally gay, FYI). Just order a pint of Stella, a shot of amaretto, swig the head off the Stella, drop the shot right in there and down the lot. Then repeat. And repeat. Hey presto! No memory whatsoever and a hangover from Hades! |
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PRO PLUS
If you’re a normal person you will inevitably leave ALL your coursework and exam revision to the last minute. On the night before the deadline you have no idea how tempting your bed is going to look. It’s going to look more inviting than Megan Fox lying naked across the table in front of you. Pop half a pack of these, though, and you’ll be motoring like Lemmy without any of the suicidal urges that a gram of speed would give you. |
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TOPTABLE CARD
If your diet is about as nutritious as eating pencil shavings and your culinary skills amount to pressing “Cook” on the microwave, it’s sometimes nice to pretend you’re a human and eat in a restaurant. For example, if you’ve made it your year-long aim to lay that hot and definitely-posher-than-you chick from critical theory, then a couple of Rustlers burgers ain’t gonna rub. If you apply for a Toptable card online at toptable.com, however, you will get 50% off at a mind-boggling number of amazing restaurants that you never even knew existed. It’s basically sex on tap. |
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