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These people will congregate in every quad, park and green space they can find like wasps around a spilt bottle of Sunny Delight. Do not strike up conversation with them or you will immediately sprout dreads and start reeking of patchouli.
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Smoking and early 90s hip-hop will always be cool, so ensure that people are in no doubt as to how much you like them and you will go a long way.
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If you make it home after a night out without eating something that looks like deep-fried rat anus, you’re going wrong somewhere.
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The Gay and Lesbian Society throw the best parties. They have more free cocktails than you can shake a double-ended dildo at. But, no matter how badly you want to go, if you’re a walking rug then getting a back wax just to gain entrance may be a bridge too far.
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University is a good time to experiment with your look without the open ridicule of the harsh outside world encroaching too much on the cosy bubble of the student union. You can even combine looks. The Tupac Winehouse, however, is a big ask.
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The strength and breadth of alcoholic beverages available at most student nights allows even the ugliest boys to pull sheltered princesses who spent their formative years locked away in boarding schools.
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Halls life is a crash course in communal living that helps break down the walls between you and the other 200 strangers you find yourself shoehorned into a tower block with. Sometimes, though, you’ll just want to scream, “LET ME OUT!”
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If, by the end of freshers’ week, you haven’t found a crazy friend who pisses his pants, dribbles all over himself and still thinks that “Waaaazzzzupppp” thing is funny, you need to sort out your priorities.
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There’s only one thing better than taking ecstasy at university and that is seeing a wet-behind-the-ears kid from some Lancastrian village come up for the first time to the jolting realisation that “this is what they’ve been talking about all along”.
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Fuck knows where they come from, but these old guys with perma-comedy headgear turn up at every house party and can be solidly relied upon for Withnail & I impressions, which are hilarious at the time, but hauntingly creepy the day after.
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That’s right, exchange student girls: larking about drunk in the streets of a strange and unfamiliar British town is a great way to meet new people. Unfortunately, most of the people who approach you will be total fucking psychos.
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