STUDENT POSTERSAre All Shit
The first day of university is an thrilling moment in your life. You leap into your new room full of excitement, with great plans to make this 8 by 6 foot cubby hole adequately portray your amazing personality. So everyone who comes in is totally immersed in what you’re all about. Then all your dreams are shattered by the unflinchingly ugly, stark, utilitarian fittings and the grey-blue walls of your new home. And then you panic. And do you know what a panicking student does when it sees its new room? It fucks up and goes to the poster sale and buys a small forest’s worth of mind bendingly clichéd posters. Here is a quick guide of what not to buy.
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NIRVANA
We know that the point where everything swings about again and it becomes acceptable to listen to early Sub Pop bands at nights filled with mopey guys and eyeliner strewn girls is almost on the horizon. Christ, everyone is already wearing plaid shirts, ripped denim and Vans or DMs like it’s a rainy day in Seattle in 1990. None of this means that you have to pin one of these to your wall. You end up looking like an 11-year-old who has just discovered Nevermind in a “best of” poll in your first copy of Kerrang. |
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PULP FICTION
With every new film Tarantino slowly pisses away everything that made this and Reservoir Dogs so special. Did you even go and see the last two? The only good bits were the fake trailers they cut out when they split the double bill up in the cinema. And those weren’t by him. Putting this one up is like cheering for a photo of Paul Gascoigne. |
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BRUCE LEE
Has anyone actually seen a Bruce Lee film? I know all the people with Fist of Fury posters on their wall sure as shit haven’t. Or maybe they have and are actually really into slow, boring, old kung fu films, but I really doubt it. The only people that like kung fu films are the ones who get way too into Wu Tang and feel they need to know exactly which film each and every skit comes from. |
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JOHNNY CASH
Just because you’ve seen Walk The Line doesn’t mean that you have any right to put Johnny up on your wall. This guy sold 90 million records, was in the game for over 50 years and took more uppers before going straight than a Wisteria Lane housewife could manage in a lifetime. He is too good for your wall. Take him down and just listen to the records. |
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BOB MARLEY
Really? Do we even need to go into this? Maybe this would have elicited some sort of interesting conversation 20 years ago. But this guy’s “best of” CD is a staple fixture on every ASDA checkout sale rack in Britain. Can you even imagine how many copies of Legend there are in the UK? And you want people to know you like this? |
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BEATLES
People get to uni and assume that they are part of a secret sect that love the Beatles and are the initiated few. They think that people actually give a shit about which album they like the most. What no one will admit is that half of the Beatles back catalogue is simpering pop ditties churned out by the most successful two-man ego massage team of the last hundred years. |
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MARIJUANA
Yes, marijuana is your friend, your lovely, gentle friend who you can snuggle up to and “mong out” with in front of pirate DVDs every night. That is until the fear descends on you like a dark cloud and you have to take up cross country running to convince yourself you are not about to die every waking hour. Sorry, but your friend is a piece of shit. |
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A CLOCKWORK ORANGE
You kooky thing you! That film is like so fucked up, yet so cerebral. I guess you are some sort of edgy, slightly insane yet suave killer? Oh no, wait, you aren’t, you are a chemical physics student who went to the HMV sale. Everyone has already seen A Clockwork Orange about seven times before they are 21, it’s practically Boxing Day family movie material, so you aren’t shocking anyone with this. Having this poster is almost as unique as owning a Beatles album. |
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SEX PISTOLS
Wow, the Sex Pistols. Aren’t you a tearaway. I bet you don’t even go to all of your seminars and sometimes you swear at the lecturer from behind your lever arch file. A big pink and yellow poster proclaiming your allegiance to a band that a fashion designer created as a clever concept to fill a self-made gap in the market isn’t really all that punk at all. You’re at university numb nuts, aka the place that you go to have the final hole on your ticket-to-just- being-another-citizen card punched. If you really want to be a punk: start listening to Crass, drop out, find a squat and start growing your own food and brewing your own hallucinogenic cider inside some goat hooves or something. |
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 Anonymous, on Nov 22, 2008 wrote:
thank god someone finally told the truth about the beatles | | Anonymous, on Oct 24, 2008 wrote:
What about the velvet blacklight posters with the swirl or the "Why I went to college" poster with all the beers | | Anonymous, on Oct 23, 2008 wrote:
Is the Trainspotting poster still popular? Ten years ago every dorm room had one. | | Anonymous, on Oct 19, 2008 wrote:
what the fuck i’ve never even seen Walk the Line and those records were given to me by my fucking grandparents. I’m not an idiot I’m a redneck. DUH | | Anonymous, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
that Zappa poster is fuckin sweet.
try not to hate too much | | Anonymous, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
Sheffield is terrible for this kind of thing, I’m here. You missed out Radiohead though, and of course Che.
I’ve got a few pages of your clown issue ripped out and stuck up, is that acceptable? Am i cool now? | | Anonymous, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
i’d leave copies of vice lying around, so everyone would know i was cool and the posters are an ironic statement about baah fuckin bluh.
then i’d tell everyone in earshot that i’d taken, drank, worn, tasted, saw, hunted, heard and fucked two years ago what they were busying themselves with now.
and still they’d come back...
can i have a job? | |
| sOMewittyGenerIcclevernaMe23, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
dali...check
escher...check
a million band posters...double check
oh and a few from smash hits which were plastered on my wall but I kept out of ’irony’.
I’m not saying I haven’t sinned... | |
| Gamorrah, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
I meant Kill Bill. | | |
| Gamorrah, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The last two films Tarantino made are Death Proof and Resevoir Dogs, so what the fuck are you taking about? If you are including Planet Terror in your equation then you’re pretty misled. That was directed by Robert Rodriguez. | | Anonymous, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The reason why everyone has the same posters are those damn eternally ’half price’ posters sales run by pikies from Sheffield.
Everyone ends up buying the same thing. How many Uni rooms (including mine) did you see:
Button Moon
Thundercats
Transformers
Led Zeppelin
Beer posters
Reasons why men are better than women and vice versa
The Kiss (that Calvin Klein looking one with the girls kissing)
Chicks on cars
Blame the pikies from Sheffield for supplying the posters at cheap prices! Its a bit like drugs.. | | Anonymous, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
Spot on. | | Anonymous, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
You guys have gotten very precise in your description of what everyone else is doing wrong. Congrats! | | |
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