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TROMBONE:
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SAXOPHONIST:
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PIANIST:
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| Most trombonists are disgusting, sweaty ogres who have limited control of their bodily functions. Their post way over there at stage left is a tactical precaution in case they blow a little too hard and throw the band off with the gaseous remnants of last night’s burrito binge. |
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As sort of a counterpoint to trombone players, the saxophonist is kind of like an enforcer who will kick the living shit out of musicians who hit bum notes or stray off time. This means they have to keep one eye on the music stand and the other on the slobby, mule-lipped trombonist. They’re also known to discreetly shank people with reeds. It helps the rest of the band stay focused. |
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The good ol’ ivory tickler is everyone’s bud—the entire band counts on him to cover up their screw-ups so the piano gets prime positioning. They tend to be real ladies’ men, and the bench allows for extra-curricular activities to take place under the Steinway.
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GUITARIST:
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TRUMPET PLAYER:
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DRIMMER:
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| Guitarists (even big band ones) have uncontrollable egos that thrive off running around a stage while moving their hands up and down a phallic piece of wood. So they get to have their own corner over there at stage right in case the wanking gets a little out of control. |
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The wildcard of the bunch, trumpet players are usually insane and on something a little stronger than coffee to help them quickly spazz around the scale. The conductor likes them in the back so no one notices their bulging eyes and jaw grinding in between toots. Just look at a photo of Bitches Brew-era Miles Davis if you don’t believe us. |
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Big band drummers hit a single tom-tom. A monkey could do this. It’s boring and depressing and nobody cares. That’s why they’re in the back. |
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BASSIST:
These guys are usually built like Andre the Giant and look even worse, so naturally their place is with the rest of the animals in the rear. But don’t cross them because there’s a good chance you’ll end up with f-holes in your chest. |
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