Not sure why you want to go to a strip club. It’s not like you’re in Montreal or something where they make up a big part of the city’s culture. New York strip clubs are the same as every other city’s strip clubs, only the girls have more tattoos and talk like Fran Drescher.
However, on the off-chance you’re one of those weirdos that takes off on his friends at 3 AM to go have “adventures,” here are the basic tips for looking at boobies in New York.
Manhattan:
Stay away from fancy-pants places like Flash Dancers. They are essentially TGIFriday’s in the nude. They’re also so packed with chiefs that there’s no hope in hell you’d ever get any of the girls to come home with you. The whole vibe when you walk in is “hustle me—I’m a tourist.” The only two places worth checking out in Manhattan are…
New York Dolls (59 Murray St.) You’ll be sitting here for awhile and you’ll ask yourself, “Why do I like this place so much? What is so special about this joint?” And then it will hit you. A lot of girls here have bruises.
Private Eyes (West 45th St.) Though this is way up in midtown, it’s still relatively seedy and there is still a teensy-weensy chance something will happen. The best part about Private Eyes is it’s near a real disgusting sex shop called Playpen over on 8th Avenue where you can beat off to girls in Plexiglas booths and ask them to do stuff.
If that still didn’t do it you could always head down to 28th over at Park and Lex. Do you see those slutty-looking girls driving around the block in circles? Those are whores. If you want to fuck them make eye contact and say, “Want to go to the hotel on 24th St?”
Queens (Long Island City) As you can see, the Manhattan strip-club scene is not exactly a laugh-riot party. It’s more for the chronically horny. If you’re in a big group and just want to be a stupid idiot you need to take the 59th Street Bridge over to Queens and get out at the first exit. There you have a ton of clubs all in a row on Queens Plaza. The top two are City Scape and Scandals. They’re both the same: illegal aliens from Colombia that are really cool and smart and fun to talk to. If you don’t feel like being hustled they’re fine with it. Especially on a Monday night when nobody’s there. If you want to really explore you can leave the safe nest of Queens Plaza and disappear into the Brooklyn abyss.
Foxes The cab driver will know where this is. It’s not too far from City Scape. This club is fucking seedy and tough and the girls there all have about two kids. Not great for wimps, jocks, and metrosexuals, but we love it here. Come to think of it, 80% of our best quotes come from there. Like the time two of us were there and this Puerto Rican who still lives with her mom goes to one of us, “This one’s way better looking than you but I like you more cuz you a balls-out motherfucker.” Another great quote came during a lap dance when she grabbed a buddy’s crotch and said (genuinely angry), “Why ain’t you hard?” And finally, the greatest stripper quote of all time happened this one night wherein said dancer had on black Dad socks under her stripper shoes. We were really into it because we’re big into socks, so when we were putting the dollar in her boobs, we go, “We’re really into the socks. It’s kind of raunchy.” Instead of being flattered she assumed we were taking the piss and defensively replied, “They for medicinal purposes.”
This is one of our favorite places but if you’re not into small, seedy and sad you probably shouldn’t make the trek.
Circles Just down the street there is a Polish joint that features every chubby illegal Romanian the city’s ever housed. Sometimes the dudes you’re with will be from a small town and they’ll get sick of ogling blacks and Latinas all night. Bring them here and they will get more white chick then they ever dreamed of.
Gallagher’s 2000 This place has a weird Russian-mafia vibe that makes it a cross between Foxes and Flash Dancers. It’s fucking huge and fancy but it still has a slight seedy vibe that keeps it from sucking.
Karaoke
Again, it doesn’t really make sense to come all the way here just to sing karaoke. Why don’t you go see a movie while you’re at it? If you insist, the basic karaoke spots are:
Sing Sing (A and 5th) As with most karaoke places in New York, you have to be a fucking Nazi about the bill. Figure out, in advance, how much it’s going to cost each person and make sure your final bill reflects that. Also, if you’re going on a Friday or Saturday night all the rooms are going to be packed. Usually they’ll be pretty cool about it and take down your cell phone and just call you when your room’s ready, but sometimes the fuckers make you stay there for an hour waiting. Serves you right.
Village Karaoke (Bowery near Cooper Union) This reliable old bitch is what most people think of when you suggest karaoke. They’re really cool about BYOB and they don’t have a heart attack if you wreck the place.
2nd & 2nd Good place to go if you don’t want to commit to a room but came with a bunch of people (see Manhattan section for more info).
Sing Sing (St. Marks) This place is still finding its bearings. It’s really new and it has the potential to be the best of all the New York places. We’re a little discouraged writing about it now because some monkey there was trying to charge us $40 to bring in our own beer.
Japas (St. Marks) Here you have to sing at the bar with everyone else. No private rooms. There was a certain novelty to that until they started maniacally enforcing their drink minimum and we realized that the “regulars” here are fucking losers. Now this spot is X’d forever. Avoid it.
Transportation
Take a cab. I mean, riding the entire route of the M-15 bus is a great way to see the city for $1.50 and the subway is one of the most efficient and easy to understand in the world, but you’re only here for three days and there’s a bunch of you so split a cab. It’s never going to be more than ten bucks, and taking the train at night can totally kill your buzz.
