New York overwhelms a lot of tourists. Especially Canadians. It is not unheard of for them to be so bombarded with stimuli and places and music and whipping around in a taxi that they literally barf. It don’t have to be like that. In truth, there are only 20 different types of New Yorkers. We’ve broke them down for you in this guide. Check off the box when you see one.
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| Nerds: Contrary to popular opinion, there are a ton of nerds in New York. They hang out at that action-figure place by Union Square Loews and they wear leather trenchcoats that touch the ground. |
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Bums: Tompkins Square Park is a great place to meet homeless people. If you see one and you don’t want to give him money say, “Nope.” Don’t shrug and say, “Sorry.” That’s lame. |
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| Skater Boys: These majorly hot hunks are always hanging around Max Fish doing boneless ones and epicly ollieing over McTwists. |
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Sign-waving lefty nuts: are about a block away from the nerds. They’re all mentally ill and just babble on incessantly about how we’re in a police state and Bush is the antichrist, etc, etc. |
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| Junkies: Around 14th and 3rd Ave you can see these sleepy puppies coming back from the methadone clinic. Rob them. They have tons of cool shit in their fanny packs. |
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Homosexuals: Used to be you’d only find these sensitive chaps in the West Village, but places like the Cock, Urge, and the Hole have them cumming to the East Side. |
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| Black hipsters: New York is not as integrated as it pretends to be, and the only black people you’re going to make out with are these TV on the Radio types. |
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Cougars: do PR, watch Sex and the City compulsively, and have no idea their ovaries dried up. They are at Bungalow 8 and Marquee. |
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| Puerto Rican Dads: These musical characters live on the Lower East Side and don’t know any white people. |
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Fuck-Giuliani Types: these holdovers from the mid-90s like the Toilet Boys and won’t shut up about how much the East Village has changed. |
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| Dancers: These people have no idea how totally irrelevant they are. There is one at every party and they are fun to look at when you’re baked. |
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Coney Island Guy: It’s hard to believe, but there are tons of beaches in New York and people even surf there. Good Saturday if you’re sick of the city. |
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| Crusties: These kids hang out on St. Marks and have facial tattoos because their dad did real bad things to them. |
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Tens: Hang out at The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly on 9th Street. They have a lot of gay friends and are out of your league. |
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| Bridge-and-Tunnel Chief: These horrible vermin come out of the woodwork every Friday and Saturday and party like they just got married to beer. |
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LA Tourist: You can usually spot these people by their never-ending obsession with accessories. They’re usually at boner shitholes like Marquee. |
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| Japanese Shoppers: Again, St. Marks. These kids are so rich they see New York as Disneyland. That’s probably why they get mugged every time they go to Brooklyn. |
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Fashion Loonies: You see these As Four types at every art opening in town and they are all so totally fucking nuts it’s almost punk. |
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| New York Times Boomers: are why everyone in America hates New York. Stay away from the shops on Broadway and you may avoid these Upper West Side shit stains. |
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R&B Hoochies: You’ll usually see these hos around Fulton Mall trying to get discovered for a video shoot. |
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