| The following fashion critiques were all taken in and around New York City. You can get a whole book of them if you go to viceland.com or Amazon. |
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| Fighting hurts (so does hate, PS) but if you insist on getting your ass kicked every day, you NEED to put on a funny shirt. That way, when people see you walk up all battered and bloody, they go, “You’re crazy, man” (the way Will Ferrell did in Old School when he had that dart in his neck). |
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It’s rad when you don’t have to sit there guessing what her tits are going to be like. It’s like, “These are my tits. Take ’em or leave ’em.” The gays have been doing shit like that with weird codes (like which bandana is in which pocket) for years. We’re finally up to the “no bullshit” stage. |
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| Fuck, it must be fun to be a girl. Riding around on a bike with no balls. Carrying a pair of soft tits in your shirt. Being all clean all the time. No wonder they experiment in college. No wonder most sex shops can’t keep double dongs in stock. |
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If you’re not Benicio Del Toro, then fucking swing it the other way and go for “goofy as shit” guy. Odds are the girl you’re chasing just broke up with some high-maintenance Benicio-type fucker, and she’s looking for a beer-swigging party dude who rents movies, makes beer bongs, and never asks questions. |
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| There’s some things that can irk you worse than a missed spot of chalk on a wet chalkboard. One of those things is when guys scrunch their shoes to make them into slippers. Maybe an Asian grandma could get away with it, but a guy? |
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I don’t know why this chief makes me so mad, but he does. What is he, Dutch? Dude has clog shoes on with black socks and he dresses like a children’s toy. Stop calling your mother long-distance, Josef. |
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| OK, whoa. I don’t care how heavy your flow is, you cannot tape a bunch of pads together and call it a super wing. What you have there is called a diaper. If your flow is that bad you might want to try something radical like carrying some in your purse and going to the bathroom occasionally. |
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Can I fucking smash this with a sledgehammer? I don’t even need protective eyewear or anything. I want to get shards in my face. I want to be covered in blood when I smash this motherfucker to pieces in front of the artist’s family. |
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| When you have your look perfectly down, girls tend to chuck it to you so much it can go to your head. The only way to keep yourself in check is to be constantly looking at yourself with your own eyes and saying, “You ain’t all that, Lou. You just is.” |
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Wasted chicks are fun to talk to because there’s so much truth serum in there, it’s almost like the gay scene. Instead of coy clues you have to spend days figuring out, you get straight shit like, “You’rrre a bit too fat and hairrry for me,” or, “I always wanted to fuck you, but I thought you liked my rrrrroommate.” |
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| When little boys hear the story of Little Red Riding Hood, we get this weird feeling in the pit of our stomachs. It’s a feeling that doesn’t really get explained until you’re about 19 and she walks by, and all of a sudden, you’re envisioning a fork and knife in your hands. |
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Why cling to being sexually attractive when you’ve pushed out so many beans you look like a bean yourself? Why not just shoot for cute and look like a happy toy you’d stick to your dashboard? Seriously, this is what the DOs is all about—not trying. |
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| I hereby call bullshit on all monks. Get the fuck out of here. The only thing that you really believe in is that you were not getting laid at all and you were really, really bored. |
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You probably don’t know what I’m talking about but I fucking HATE these smug reporter types that have pictures of their kids on their laptop (you see it on the plane) and have this really pretentious way of sizing up the political climate of the day with lines like, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the Bush.” |
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| OK, so it started off that wiggers wanted to have big shirts because it emulated the rappers that needed to carry guns. Then they took on big huge skate shoes (the thickness helps ollies) and surf shorts (the length helps prevent thigh burn) and trucker hats (the netting helps it breathe). Unfortunately, nobody stopped to notice that all these practical ideas, when mixed together, make you look somewhere between an anorexic toddler and Chucky with a peanut head. |
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Of course, if you wanted to avoid that problem you’d have to fill out all those oversize clothes with body mass. Let’s see how that works. “Nope, it’s not working out. You look like a giant bean!”
What? I can’t hear you!
“A bean! You look like a fucking bean!” |
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| Yo, trucker hats ain’t wack. It’s those teeny, tiny ones you see white boys wearing. Real motherfuckers go back to the old school, when they used to be rizzeally fizzucking hizzuge. |
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When you’re having trouble getting laid and you want your friends to know it’s getting on your nerves but you don’t want her to know, invent some kind of way that your friends can see what’s going on without her noticing. Then everybody wins. |
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| One time God appeared to me as a human and said, “If you look at the beach of life you will see two sets of footprints. You will also notice there is only one set when you were going through hard times. Those are mine. I was carrying you... er, hello?” And I was like, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just having trouble paying attention because I can’t stop staring at your tits.” |
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And the winner of The Greatest Tattoo of All Time goes to... a heartwarming pirate baby, sitting on the three-eyed sheep he just stabbed, in the rain. Apparently the mayor of WTF!? was visiting the shop that day.
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Dear Kids,
I hate your tiny little guts. Thanks for making it worse by “Born To Be Wild”ing yourself up like that poster in my Guidance Counselor’s office. |
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Speaking of kids, “My kid is so my whole life that I have become him. I read Harry Potter even when I’m alone, collect Pokemon cards and I even dress like the little piece of shit.” |
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| Look at these meatheads. They are homophobic homosexuals who hate women and talk about fucking women all day. I’d love to just take a carpet knife to one of those Achilles tendons and hear the “SNAP!!!” |
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Can someone just snap his hair off? The follicles are probably pretty weak from obsessive dying so you could probably turn him into Captain Stubing if you just grabbed a side and popped the whole top off like a beer cap. God that would feel good. |
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| What a nice guy spending his Saturday by himself walking around on Xanax. It’s almost enough to make you forget that’s he’s wearing flip flops—almost. |
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People who grew up with older brothers never went through that awkward phase with the tiny combat boots and the over-sized Siouxsie and the Banshees shirt because their big brother was there to say, “Don’t wear that.” That’s why you asked your Mom for a big brother every Christmas. Little did you know she was infertile. You made her cry you ass.
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Thank God you’re broke. When a woman takes “ghetto stripper” to an art show and has the ass out like that, you know you are willing to spend every penny you can to make her happy. When that means a house and a car it’s kind of pathetic, but when you’re buying her a beer with change and butting in line to get her cheese it’s kind of romantic.
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People who grew up with older brothers never went through that awkward phase with the tiny combat boots and the over-sized Siouxsie and the Banshees shirt because their big brother was there to say, “Don’t wear that.” That’s why you asked your Mom for a big brother every Christmas. Little did you know she was infertile. You made her cry you ass.
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