There are plenty of other great places in Brooklyn not on the map but why the fuck would you want to trek all the way out there? Coney Island is a change of pace if you live here, but coming all the way to New York for the same white-trash fair that’s in every town is a waste of time. There’s O’Connors in Park Slope and Enid’s over in Greenpoint but there’s nothing else there worth checking out so fuck it. You want areas you can meander all around. That’s basically the East Village, the Lower East Side, and Williamsburg. If you ever move here you can go exploring but you’re only here for two days. Don’t waste your time trying to find some fucking Russian restaurant in Brighton Beach. This trip is about meandering.
1 Blue: This is a good place to lie and do coke. Though it’s one of the corniest bars in the state and the very layout of the place reeks of acid jazz, the bartenders are some of the coolest bitches in town. Great place to shoot the shit and get away from your spouse.
2 The Abbey: Much cooler than Blue and consequently way more crowded. If you can get it on an off-day, it’s about as quintessential Williamsburg as Williamsburg gets.
3 Joe’s: Holy shit is this ever a good lunch place, especially when they have that pasta thing with peas in it.
4 L train: Oh yeah, this is how you get here. Get off the L train at Bedford.
5 Spike Hill: It’s a real classy British pub with a great view of Bedford Avenue. Great for loser watching.
6 Greenpoint Tavern: This place is like a ride at Disneyworld with animatronic Williamsburg stereotypes. You have the old Polish dock workers that used to live here before anyone else, Puerto Rican drug dealers scoping out the young girls, broke hipsters who had to leave Manhattan after they graduated from NYU, and crazy black homeless people who believe in outer space. Order a “container” of beer and you’re going to need both hands to carry it.
7 Red and Black: Not sure why, but the babe factor here is off the motherfuckin’ chain!
8 Brooklyn Ale House: As with most places in Williamsburg, this is a great bar with terrible tunes. It’s not unusual to hear “Smells Like Teen Spirit” three times in a row and then, like, “Purple Haze.”
9 Iona’s: Irish people have even worse taste in music than the French. One time the bartender played the entire Santana Live album. It’s got a great view of the street and there’s a garden in the back with a ping-pong table, so grab some earplugs and check that out.
10 There’s a hipster minimall here that is incredibly gay and not worth checking out. Ear Wax is a great record store that’s kind of attached to it.
11 Sparky’s: Amazing burger and hot dog joint that’s gets all its meat from Niman Ranch so it’s all organic and kind and everything. It’s not unusual to see vegetarians here shrugging their shoulders and saying, “I couldn’t resist.” For the ones who will never break down, there are veggie versions of everything too.
12 Matamoros: Still somewhat secret, even though Time Out New York blew it up a couple years ago. This is a Mexican bodega that has a hidden restaurant at the back. The food is super cheap and really good. It’s very authentic, if that kind of thing matters to you.
13 Union Pool: This place is fucking huge, with a big outdoor patio and “greaser” bartenders. It’s a great place to get really, really shitfaced and dance around like an asshole.
14 Daddy’s: It may be off the map (literally) but it’s still the best bar in New York. It was started by one of the dudes from the much-missed Shrine Records store, so the jukebox is out of hand. They also will make you a hot dog if you’re hungry. The only blemish on its otherwise perfect record was when some asshole asked us to get up because we were using a sit-down Galaga game as a table (the place was packed and it was the only place to sit down). We told him to fuck off and he went and got the bartender and the bouncer and they made us get up. We were like, “What are you? Nerd Nazis? Five people have to move so this fuckface can play Galaga?” The worst part is, when we told other people there what happened, they were like, “Galaga’s a good fucking game, man.” This kind of sums up the worst part of Brooklyn. It’s where indie-nerd pussies rule the world. Daddy’s looks pretty far from Union Pool here, but it’s not. Just walk parallel to the BQE until you get to 437 Graham Ave. If you’re taking the train it’s the Graham stop on the L.
15 Beacon’s Closet: It’s kind of stupid to travel all the way to New York to buy used clothes, but this is basically girl paradise. Most girls in New York do Beacon’s and H&M and that’s it.
16 Reel Life: There are two of these stores now. I guess you don’t care about the one where they rent movies because you don’t live here, but you can buy all kinds of rare DVDs at this branch.
17 Union Star: Used to be called Union Picnic and it has real good fish and chips. They even give you vinegar, which is rare in this anti-European nation. Oh, and the buffalo-shrimp appetizer is retardedly good.
18 Royal Oak: This is a little off the beaten path, but you just had fish and chips at Union Star so you might as well check it out.
19 Capone’s: is a great bar run by a great guy, but one time we went there and they were playing fucking house music! We got in a fight with the DJ and after it got broken up he came over all you-got-served-ish and yelled, “You did it now, motherfucker. House music all night long!” Oooooooh.
20 Alligator Lounge: You kind of have to go here if you go to Daddy’s. They give you free pizzas right up to 3:30 in the morning too.
21 Trash Bar: This is a great rock-and-roll bar to do zany shots at and take over the jukebox.
22 Barcade: is a giant warehouse-y bar that has old-school video games for a quarter. The only bummer is they’re really into fancy types of beer and don’t serve Budweiser.
