| The following fashion critiques were all taken in and around LA. You can get a whole book of them if you go to viceland.com or Amazon. |
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| The IRA bomber thing is kind of hard to pull off. When boys do it they end up looking like welfare James Joyces. But she did it. She did it so well that ... “KABOOOOOM!, Aaaah! oh my god, oh my god” (people running everywhere). |
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LA has either the tackiest people on earth or the best-dressed people on earth. Check out that denim vest, sweatshirt combination. It brings her T-shirt to life like Frankenstein during an electrical thunderstorm.
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| Low cut shirts are one of the best things about not having huge tits. When you lean forward your chest is all bare and people can see in and then you lean back and it’s all secretive and amazing. |
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I know you were kind of going back and forth on this one and you weren’t sure what to think but the guy has a fucking Frankenstein tattoo. That settles it.
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| What are you? A wedding-cake Fonzie? For fuck’s sake, guy, I used to dress like that and pose for my sisters on the kitchen table when I was SIX YEARS OLD!!! At least you got one thing right: You are a badass. Who the fuck is going to be able to fight you when they are laughing so hard they can’t breathe? |
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You know that song by Xzibit where they sample a stewardess going, “Please enjoy your stay, welcome to L.A.?” Well, it’s therapeutic to sing it as, “You guys are fucking gay, welcome to L.A.,” every time you see some twat playing pool with one hand while he talks on his cell phone.
That way you don’t get so much of a headache. |
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| You know those fucked-up hard candies old ladies are always trying to give you? This is what those candies would look like if they were a person. |
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“Hey darkie! Wanna date? Hey! What’s the matter? I thought you liked white women. What’s the matter? You can’t handle it? I’m too much for you? Hey! I’m talking to you! You want this or not? Hey? Hell-oooo!” |
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| Whoa! Maybe LA isn’t so bad after all. I know a lot of them hirsute university girls wouldn’t agree with me on this, but humana-humana! I’d like to set a trap for this one. Like putting a giant cracker on the road, and when she walks over it, SLAMMING her with a huge piece of cheese. Then eating the whole thing. |
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Sorry, Television. British punk was way more fun than American punk. You had Poly Styrene in her crazy plastic outfits and Anti-Nowhere League with that “Woman” song where he starts out loving her and then they get married and he hates her like in “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” It was smarter and more fun and didn’t talk about not-fucking and other boring Minor Threat stuff. |
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| Out-of-hand, stop-you-dead-in-your-tracks hot girls look great in heels and everything, don’t get us wrong, but how about when they go all plain Jane in a thrift store shirt? In a lot of ways that’s a lot more because it kind of sneaks up on you. |
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The Wawa one is pretty nice but how about fucking Leon Spinks at the lowest point of his life? “I lost my wife, I lost my home, I even lost some teef!” is on your arm forever. |
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| This guy had a huge ballsy swagger like he wasn’t dressed as the outer-space guy in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. If I had a big enough ass I’d swallow him with it and then shit him out on his mother’s lap. |
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Couples in L.A. are so fucking oblivious. The men spend all their money on hair products and grooming, so, in order to try to keep upping the feminine ante, the women have to become these heavily altered übergirls that look more like transsexuals than chicks. All this “keeping up with the Joneses” of grooming has turned them both into drag queens. Ha ha. |
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| I like asses as much as the next guy, but this is getting me over them the same way smoking a carton of cigarettes gets you over smoking. |
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Having sleepovers at Rob Zombie’s is the best because you get to hang out in his bar with your socks on and have pillow fights in the band room. |
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| You get a little sneak peak of what you’d be hanging out with if you went to Barbados with her. You could make out in the pool and then she’d wear the white thing to dinner with no shoes. |
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Seeing a girl this cool in LA doesn’t happen every night. So when it does, and she’s crass, and horny, and dresses well, it’s kind of a catch 22 because you got so horny you shit your pants. |
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| Some things you don’t know include: the girl on the left is wearing a homemade head band that says “I love coke,” they had just poured a beer on a guy for trying to fondle them, and it doesn’t get any better than this. |
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Dude, keep holding on to her and don’t let go for the rest of your life. She is about seven miles out of your league and you are never going to have tits like that in your mouth ever again (ever). |
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| “I’m into Goofy because Goofy was always like, ‘Yo, what up with this shit?’ Even to Mickey Mouse, who was basically that motherfucker’s boss.” |
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My dad is basically, like, the funnest dad there is in the entire universe. He lets us have beer at Christmas and he listens to The Stones. He even used to smoke pot! |
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| We're no camping experts, but is a garter belt and thong the best outfit for trailblazing? What if you get mosquito bites on your labia? That must fucking kill (I had one on my bag once and almost died of itchiness). |
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Oooh, it’s exotic Asian guy. I’m so scared. Asia’s so far away and weird and tribal. Can you pull sprinkles out of your pockets and talk to monkeys? Asia’s so cool and freaky it’s basically in outer space. Please tell us about the Buddhist swastika, it’s so ancient and everything. |
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