Now we have to get you some wheels and a place to stay. Actually, I don’t have to help you get a car. Just rent one at the airport, you doink. I will say this again though: GET A CAR WITH THAT GPS TELL-ME-WHERE-I-AM THING. Also, make sure you get one with a good stereo, and make sure you bring that little rig where you hook your iPod up to it. Do a few new playlists just for LA. We suggest some classic mellow “vibes” like the Mamas and the Papas, the Byrds, that first David Crosby solo record, and Fleetwood Mac. You could also go “gangsta” (try and say that out loud without feeling stupid) and play all NWA and DJ Quik while you’re here. That could actually be kind of funny, since this guide will go out of its way to keep you far from South Central.

HOTELS
Let’s start with the pricier ones. It can be fun to blow a night at these—like your last night in town—and pretend you’re loaded.

Chateau Marmont (8221 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood; 323 656 1010) This is the classic LA hotel that everyone has heard of. The suites are great in a 1940s-decorated kind of way. Christopher Walken always stays here and when he’s here he always cooks (every suite has a kitchen). John Belushi died here, of course. The lobby is a great place to have a drink and there are a few bungalows, which are cool. The best is the 50s Glass House Bungalow.

Beverly Hills Hotel (9641 Sunset Blvd., Beverly Hills; 310 276 2251) This is the real Hollywood place. For people like us, it’s just a high-priced novelty. The Polo Lounge brings out the upscale hookers by night.

Argyle (8358 Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood; 323 654 7100) Currently in the middle of a renovation. It’s on the Strip and is an awesome Art Deco building. It’s a little shabby right now—which is good for you. They have great deals on rooms while the reno is going on. Oh, and John Wayne lived there, as did Howard Hughes.

The Standard West Hollywood (8300 Sunset Blvd., 323 650 9090) The Standard Downtown (550 So. Flower at 6th Street; 213 892 8080) These are the most achingly hip hotels in LA. Surprisingly inexpensive, too. Staying at them at this point, however, is kind of “yawn.”

Here are the hotels you can actually afford:

The Magic Castle (7025 Franklin Ave., Hollywood; 323 851 0800) A very solid, reputable, and basic hotel BUT it is attached to the Magic Castle, which is, yes, a fucking castle-shaped nightclub. It is the Madison Square Garden of magicians the world over, so you can always catch some weird magic show and see a bunch of desperate-eyed guys practicing card tricks in the hallways.

Bel Age Hotel (1020 No. San Vicente Blvd., West Hollywood; 310 854 1111) Not much to say about this one. It’s definitely a hotel, it’s definitely affordable, and it’s definitely a “no problem” location.

Beverly Laurel Motel (8018 Beverly Blvd., West Hollywood, 323 651 2441) This is where that whole Swingers thing came from—a clean, super cheap, and retro 50s motel. In terms of affordability, this is your best bet. The rooms are like $90 a night.

Farmer’s Daughter Hotel (115 So. Fairfax Ave., Hollywood; 323 937 3930) This is a cheap boutique hotel with “HIS” rooms (rooster wallpaper) and “HERS” rooms (like, taupe walls and stuff). It’s all pretty gay, but it’s also not badly priced.