TIDBITS
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BOOZE CONCEALERs
So you don’t have any fat friends, or your fat friends are all chickens? Don’t worry, there are other ways of getting booze into the festival area. Like a stylish antique pocket flask that you can turn into a necklace. Or you can ask your art school friends to create an animal mascot in the shape of a six-pack or a goon bag. These are also rad camp totems.
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CREAMY CREAP POWDER
The people who make this realised that the main reason 30-something guys who work in advertising still go to festivals, armed to the teeth with bad cocaine, is so they can meet young student girls and feed them their drugs, their lies and then later on in the evening back at the motor home, their sperm. With all this talk about Rohypnol, everybody seems to have missed that the number one drug that influences girls to have reluctant/forced sex with gross rapists is cocaine. The guys who manufacture this white, creamy powder for creeps are totally ahead of the curve in that respect. |
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CONDOMS
If you just drank a truck-load of warm cider and passively inhaled two bottles of rank, second-hand poppers then it’s likely that even a barely passable 4 will suddenly, magically double into an 8. When that happens you will need one of these happy little fellows. Otherwise it’s pretty likely that the 4 will make your genitals itch for ages. This one’s from Japan, if you hadn’t guessed already. |
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EXPENSIVE WEAK LAGER WITH GRASS IN IT
We said this last year but it’s really important. Unless you want to be one of those chumps who queues up for 25 minutes to pay 6 euros for this, make sure you somehow get an all-access pass, a guest pass or somebody willing to smuggle booze in for you. The mainstay number one booze smuggler is a fat person. They have plenty of space in their enormous underpants and the security guards are too busy trying to find the nubile young things for a full bodycheck to really bother with their gross, sweaty folds (just remember to wrap the booze up well). |
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MEN’S LIPBALM & MAN BUBBLE GUM
A lot of teenage girls still believe in Prince Charming. If you think you can walk around unshaved with booze breath and still get to make out with them you are what they refer to as “clueless.” Asian people know this, and MAN do they have all the stuff you need! To soften those dry lips, get this super glossy, strawberry scented miracle cure of a lipbalm. Better yet, bring a pocketful of this Japanese rose gum (it’s even called “Man”). According to its Japanese manufacturers it’ll turn your sweat into rose perfume. |
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POCKET TP
Find a copse or some bushes (check for thorns). Bring pocket TP or a pack of Kleenex. No need for further explanations. Am I a perv or can you also see that the little boy is trying to get it on with the sheep? This toilet paper makes me feel uncomfortable and they want me to wipe my ass with it? No way! |
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