IN THE MAGAZINE

THE DUDE HAS NO MERCY

An Interview with Achewood’s Chris Onstad

Raymond Quentin Smuckles from Achewood, courtesy of Chris Onstad

As is sometimes said, Achewood is the new Simpsons. The level of storytelling and the quality of the humor are pretty much unparalleled. It’s never clichéd, stupid, or a rip-off, which makes it pretty much the opposite of every other web comic, which usually reward stupidity and a lack of imagination. For years I’ve wondered how Chris Onstad is able to be so consistently funny and how he is able to understand so many different, varied characters. It was a dream come true to finally get to ask him my burning, burning questions.

Vice : How are you able to create such a diverse cast of characters and understand them so thoroughly?
Chris Onstad: Look, we all know people. Think about the weirdest dude you know. The dude who wouldn’t go to graduation because he wanted to stay in the parking lot and hand out fake Round Table Pizza coupons. We all know good people like that. We know how it sounds when they speak. All I do is mimic or parrot. Nobody would ever say that I am empathetic or a good husband, but I don’t miss a beat when it comes to rubbernecking the strange. Last night I was out having a smoke and I saw some chick doing Wii Fit in her front window. I walked over and had a look to see if she was topless. She wasn’t, and somebody shut the drapes, but that kind of story shows you my dedication to checking things out.

Which character do you relate to the most?
I did a signing in Seattle, you know, standing at the counter with the line and all that. This one withdrawn guy had me sign his book, matter-of-fact, and when he was leaving and I was looking at the back of his head, he turned and said, “You’re Téodor, aren’t you?” I looked right at his eyes, and in my heart I knew that I was being honest when I gave him a thumbs-up. Plain and in between, but never excellent.

Roast Beef’s tragic childhood feels like it has to be based on yours. Did you grow up like Roast Beef?
No, no. Not mainly. We have all been sad about our lots in life, but I was never without a net. I knew Beefs, but I was not Beef. Mostly. In the main.

Did your mom leave you at a laundromat on Christmas Eve?
This last Christmas my family and I were in the middle of moving out of Silicon Valley, and our dryer broke. We had to hit a laundromat on the 23rd of December, with our little three-year-old girl, in this wealthy town where we lived. Our life was in a big state of flux and uncertainty, and I was hugely depressed, and it was a “there but for the grace of God go I” moment. All my daughter wanted to do was dance and look at herself in the big reflective front windows on the darkened street, and I felt like an utter failure as a father, standing there among the machines, even though this beautiful child saw nothing other than the big expanse of white tiles where she could dance in her new red shoes.

Did you get caught trying to steal Playboys from Waldenbooks?
No, not even once. We did it all, my crew and I. Kimberly Conrad. Penthouse, even. We were the New White Boys of Stealing.

Did your wang ever fall out your shorts while riding your homemade skateboard down stairs?
No, never. It has happened to others, though, and occasionally in front of me. I like to think that it has happened to you, perhaps hundreds of times. Perhaps at every corner you turn, and perhaps even when you unsuspectingly open the refrigerator.

Did your parents keep you in a bread bag as a baby?
No, I had a room with a bed and Raggedy Ann and Andy sheets, which I am pretty sure were homemade, because the border where the top of the sheet met the bottom of the sheet was kind of this big white soft rope thing.

Do you have parents?
My father is Daniel; my mother is Edna. (If I was Fake Black Edith Wharton, I would call my book that.)

Is Charley dead or in the past?
Neither. It’s really complicated. It’s more complicated than Lost, but with animals pissing in toilets. Sorry to use that phrase in an otherwise good interview.

How are you so good at avoiding clichés and being original?
I have a hair-trigger cliché-meter that actually even goes off wrong at normal times. I can’t stand the idea of recycling a joke or using a formula. This is my thing. Achewood is my thing in this life so far. I can’t be lazy about the content. It’s for posterity, my flag for the ages, the tent post I pitched in my 20s and 30s. I’d rather take six years off than have a familiar gag. There are some tools, like Mexican magic realism, which I work into the strip over time, but that’s hardly lazy. Those are generative devices, not punch lines or crutches. What I want to do is write characters as honestly as possible, like they’re a friend of yours, or a strange neighbor you can’t shake the fascination with.

I like the wheels I have spinning now. I once read where Roald Dahl described stories as spinning gears fitting in with one another, engaging the transmission as needed. A good fictionwriting teacher will tell you, “What is most private is most public.” If you spill your guts but give it a fictitious byline, that’s good entertainment. Achewood is a lot of gut-spilling. There are many stretches that are hard for me to read, for personal reasons, because I know the real motivations behind the characters’ hardships. I hate that, but I love that. I love that I had the balls to put my broken heart or ruined life out there when I was unhappy.

Does story continuity ever bug you? Like, you wake up at night thinking, “What about that thing that happened?”
Readers take care of that. Continuity’s a big issue after eight years, and I make the occasional mistake or misstep, but I keep pretty vigilant now that we have Trekkies of our own. Continuity errors drive me bat-shit insane, so I proofread and research like a skinny Radcliffe girl. It’s one of the reasons I can’t write as wide-rangingly and freely as I used to: My characters have eight years’ worth of personality traits, claims, and prejudices to keep straight. I wish there were some kind of software that’d help me keep them in check.

When you coin phrases, does seeing those phrases outside of Achewood fill you with a mixture of pride and dread not unlike giving birth to a son?
Here and there, I’ll think I get a whiff of Achewood patois fed back from the strip, but I don’t have, like, Matt Lauer on DVR saying, “I tucked my cronked friend’s rad chilies into a toilet-thesis tube last night. Keep on rocking, Matt Lauer” as a way of signing off.

I made a flyer for a gay party that incorporated the phrase “Let’s show this room how gay it can get!”
I don’t think there is any higher praise I can get than when readers tell me I write gay men or women well. To me, that is a true achievement, because I am a white man from the woods who cries whenever a Reagan stamp is canceled (a percentage of this sentence is a lie).

A lot of Achewood stuff riffs on the olde-tymey. Are you yourself into olde-tymery?
If you don’t dress up in a white suit and read Letters from the Earth in a hot Mississippi room full of varnished-oak lecterns once in a while, then, my friend, I don’t even know why we did this thing in the first place.

What were you doing before you made Achewood?
I had some good roots down in putting fonts on business cards, and I could whip up a mean HTML table with a tab index, but I wasn’t playing hard at the front of my game. Silicon Valley gave me the pinch in ’02 and it’s been the internet version of hawking flowers in taquerias ever since.

What’s up with expanding the brand?
That sounds like what Martha Stewart would say to me, if an assistant of hers took me into her bedroom at 3:30 AM, right before she woke up, and the assistant said, “Chris does a comic strip. Here are the vitals.” She would say that as she reached for the folder.

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Comments

Anonymous, on Jul 29, 2009 wrote: WTF? My free awesomeness isn’t ’professional’ and ’on time’ enough? When have you ever had a ridiculous night out where the titty-bar and the last call and the hurling and the n20 party all ran like clockwork, ending precisely on the hour? I much prefer an intermittent work of actual heart and humour to the mechanical and unreadable otherwise. Keep it rockin’, Chris O.

Anonymous, on Jul 28, 2009 wrote: The current story arc is uninspiring.

Anonymous, on Jul 28, 2009 wrote: The current story arc is, without doubt,up there with the classics.

Anonymous, on Jul 27, 2009 wrote: Achewood is much better than Vice.

Anonymous, on Jul 27, 2009 wrote: Why do the cats have only two nipples? I’ve asked time and again and had no answer. Real cats have eight. Does nobody care but me? Is it a plot?

Anonymous, on Jul 25, 2009 wrote: I bought a bottle of Ray’s Rad Chilies just to have them shipped from Texas to Cali back to Texas

Anonymous, on Jul 25, 2009 wrote: "I’ve read Achewood since its inception in 2001 and really loved the comic. Onstad used to be really good, but since he got involved with publishing his book and doing interviews the quality of his comic has declined to the point that he should perhaps either take a sabbatical or give it up entirely. Achewood has now become a wordy, silly and self-referential shadow of its former self. He also has really sloppy work habits and is really unprofessional about deadlines, often missing them by several days. Not professional and rarely worth reading these days." Correct. I wanna cum.

Anonymous, on Jul 24, 2009 wrote: It’s funny how many of these comments aspire to have an Onstad-esque sound to them, yet nobody quite captures it. Too many people on the internet try to bite his voice.

Anonymous, on Jul 24, 2009 wrote: Guys, did Achewood change, or did we? I’ve not been in love with every word of it either, but I still think it stands as a body o’ work. And I don’t think it’s worsening or betterening. It’s just Achewood. Onstad is smart enough to stop doing it when it starts to suck. That’s WHY he misses so many (self set) deadlines. He doesn’t come up with something good enough, he doesn’t publish it.

Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote: i was losing faith with achewood (that is, it was becoming simply a good funny thing and not the funniest thing) until the williams sonoma stuff but it’s definitely back on track

Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote: The blogs are hella awesome, all expanding the characters and fleshing out the story

Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote: "I think it’s arrogant to think comics peaked in the mid-2000s. Let me guess -- that’s when you were in your comic peak. There are so many good older comics out there." Duh, douche... he’s talking about ACHEWOOD, not ALL comics. Lemme guess... when you make a sandwich you often throw out half a loaf of bread because it’s "backwards," right?

Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote: I think it’s arrogant to think comics peaked in the mid-2000s. Let me guess -- that’s when you were in your comic peak. There are so many good older comics out there.

Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote: I would tend to agree with the sentiment that the comic is in decline from it’s hey-day in the mid-2000’s, but this last arc (romance novel copy selling williams sonoma gadgets) has truly pulled me back in and is classic Achewood.

Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote: It’s okay. Too many people want to act like they were the first foot in the water. Let them. I’ll keep enjoying the shit I enjoy without a care in the world.

Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote: This interview shows that ’The Stadmeister’, as he is known, has still got it - lots of inventive and hilarious turns-of-phrase. But achewood comic strip - kinda lost its way a bit compared to the olden days, in my opinion that I am allowed to have by the way you horribly bullies.

Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote: You guys suck. Achewood is changing, yes. But Worsening? No. It always was largely about character development. Still genius as it ever was.

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: Wow, lots of internet supermen rolled up to complain that Achewood wasn’t adequately delivering enough free, hilarious entertainment on a tight enough schedule. Sorry guys we’ll all try to do a little better for you odious parasites in the future

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: Achewood used to be a very funny, strange and unique comic. It is presently a comic that uses forced-feeling "wacky" premises to list stereotypes about modern life that people will recognize and possibly find amusing.

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: Onstad is right about one thing: he is as white as a polar bear in a snowstorm. It’s no wonder he has to appropriate Black hip-hop culture to drive his characters and dialog.

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: "Onstad used to be really good, but since he got involved with publishing his book and doing interviews the quality of his comic has declined to the point that he should perhaps either take a sabbatical or give it up entirely. Achewood has now become a wordy, silly and self-referential shadow of its former self. He also has really sloppy work habits and is really unprofessional about deadlines, often missing them by several days. Not professional and rarely worth reading these days." Absolutely, 100% correct.

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: I don’t think he really reads many webcomics (not a mark against him, really) because having one of your characters "run for president" (usu. during election season) is a very well-established webcomic cliche, second probably only to having Jesus appear and do something totally zany.

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: "I’ve read Achewood since its inception in 2001 and really loved the comic. Onstad used to be really good, but since he got involved with publishing his book and doing interviews the quality of his comic has declined to the point that he should perhaps either take a sabbatical or give it up entirely. Achewood has now become a wordy, silly and self-referential shadow of its former self. He also has really sloppy work habits and is really unprofessional about deadlines, often missing them by several days. Not professional and rarely worth reading these days." I think you should go and "[sin against your own body]"

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: What is all this talk about Adult Swim? I mean sure, Adult Swim would be better by inviting Achewood into its lair. However, it is not even a thing. I am sure Onstad has greater plans for Achewood. I am sure Onstad would refuse the invitation, even if they accepted to pay his exorbitant fee. Post Scriptum: I am surprised no one was all like "first post!!!"

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: I like his zines better. He’s hella wicked with t-shirts. I wish he would write more one-offs and get away from these long, meandering stories.

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: "I’ve read Achewood since its inception in 2001 and really loved the comic. Onstad used to be really good, but since he got involved with publishing his book and doing interviews the quality of his comic has declined to the point that he should perhaps either take a sabbatical or give it up entirely. Achewood has now become a wordy, silly and self-referential shadow of its former self. He also has really sloppy work habits and is really unprofessional about deadlines, often missing them by several days. Not professional and rarely worth reading these days." you are a fool in the main way. he is a man who is a person who has a life that takes over sometimes. i am sorry that you hit a button every day expecting a comedy to be spit out but sometimes you are disappointed. life is very hard in this big bad world.

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: Onstad may not have noticed his phrases seeping into common parlance, but I have identified several fellow Achewood readers based on their diction. Dude has the hell out of a catchy turn of phrase.

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: "I’ve read Achewood since its inception in 2001 and really loved the comic. Onstad used to be really good, but since he got involved with publishing his book and doing interviews the quality of his comic has declined to the point that he should perhaps either take a sabbatical or give it up entirely. Achewood has now become a wordy, silly and self-referential shadow of its former self. He also has really sloppy work habits and is really unprofessional about deadlines, often missing them by several days. Not professional and rarely worth reading these days." The fuck are you talking about, professional? Go an read Penny Arcade or something. Regular as clockwork, always on time, always shit. The recent Achewood stories are easily as funny as they always were. (Needs more Nice Pete though)

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: Fuck adult swim. Get him syndicated. Bow down to greatness, the media. The dude has GOT no mercy.

Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote: syndicate.

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