IN THE MAGAZINE

HOW TO GET LAID BY A MAN

If You Are Also a Man

Photo by Benjamin Austin

As Eric Rudolph learned the hard way, you can’t blow up the gay dive scene in Atlanta. It’s just too strong. Whether by dint of heat or from being sequestered on a 100-square-mile island of sanctuary amid a sea of churning, virulent homophobia, gay Atlanta comprises some of the weirdest, most awesomely fucked-up queers in the country. Here's where you can go to meet them and their penises.

CHESHIRE MOTOR INN
Everything smells like piss and jizz and you may get a staph infection by sleeping on the beds, but if you leave your front door open, men will walk in to have sex with you. It’s also a good time looking up this place on Trip-Advisor and reading all the one-star reviews from outraged straights. 1865 Cheshire Bridge Rd.

TRIPP’S
It’s always empty and looks like someone’s shitty condo but you can give yourself a nice case of alcohol poisoning for about ten bucks. 1931 Piedmont Circle.

OPUS 1
A small, creepy room off Cheshire Bridge filled with old gay methheads who are really into 90s alternative music. They host “Lights Out” parties where they blacken the doors and turn off the lights to let geezers play with each other’s wrinkled ding-dongs all night. 1086 Alco St.

BJ ROOSTER’S
This place is a trashy go-go boy bar that tries to look “nice.” They have private rooms that look like batting cages where you can get a blowjob from a go-go boy for a couple bucks if that’s what you’re into. 2345 Cheshire Bridge Rd, #1.

THE HERETIC
Often called “The Scary Dick,” and for good reason. Most of the guys who show up have spent their evening beating off to XTube and are desperate for human contact. Everyone is frightening and huge and will fuck you within an inch of your asshole’s life in the infamous “Hall of Shame.” There’s also a store inside where you can buy VCR head cleaner to huff on the dance floor and condiments in case you feel like tossing anyone’s salad. 2069 Cheshire Bridge Rd.

MARY’S
A cool gay punk bar most nights, on Saturdays they do karaoke hosted by a black midget. Most of the karaoke crowd is made up of lame suburban types, although every so often you might be asked to break up a lesbian fight. 1287 Glenwood Ave.

THE NEW ORDER
Located behind a Piccadilly’s Cafeteria in a strip mall, it’s basically a gay nursing home. Patrons skew 50+, which can be depressing, but they’ve got strong drinks, a free popcorn maker, and a pretty decent lending library of drugstore romance novels off to the side of the bar. 1544 Piedmont Ave, #124.

MODEL T’S
This is where all the Ponce hustlers hang out since the Phoenix closed. The drag queens here are exceptionally brokedown and most of the regulars are hardened Ponce vagrants who won’t even look at you until their end-of-night psychotic episode. 699 Ponce de Leon Ave, Ste 11.

FRIENDS ON PONCE
And this is where all the shitty drag queens from Model T’s come to take their breaks. There’s always a good tranny fight, homeless dance battle, hustler-with-AIDS drama, or botched drug deal to gawk at. Also, the manager is a 400-pound queen whose office is filled with Beanie Babies, people will trade you drugs for just about anything, including makeup, and the drinks are as cheap and stiff as the cocks. We love this place. 736 Ponce de Leon Ave NE.

THE EAGLE
The Atlanta franchise of a nationwide chain of leather bars, this is basically your one-stop shop for watching any kind of fucked-up S&M scenario you can think of while talking to a guy wearing only a jockstrap about his law practice. Chicks are strongly encouraged to stay away. We’ve never ventured into the bathrooms, but supposedly there’s a guy in medical scrubs who hangs out there most nights and will drink your piss. 306 Ponce de Leon Ave NE.

If you haven’t managed to get laid at any of these places, the video booths underneath Inserection (1739 Cheshire Bridge Rd) are all outfitted with glory holes. Happy cruising!


BUSINESS CASUAL, WITH INPUT FROM DJ TOYOTA FEST

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Comments

Anonymous, on Apr 11, 2009 wrote: omg opus I... i used to stop there in ’93 after clubbing when i was 16 to get drinks!
Anonymous, on Apr 10, 2009 wrote: oh, please. i just went to the eagle last week and even though i’m a straight female, i was a hit there. bars full of skanky girls trying to get ass-fucked by posses of predatory straight guys while PCD blares on the sound system are far scarier than the eagle.
Anonymous, on Apr 8, 2009 wrote: this section of the guide could be whittled down to one tip - go to midtown and bend over, within seconds someone will happily fill up your bumhole
Anonymous, on Apr 8, 2009 wrote: is mjq still stealing their electricity from friends on ponce? oh, shhhhhhh, nevermind, carry on...
Anonymous, on Apr 8, 2009 wrote: This is fucking great stuff. Rarely do you ever get to hear about the actual happenings that occur in Atlanta’s seedy underbelly.
	danimalthedepraved, on Apr 8, 2009 wrote: i once saw some dude with grey hair walk behind the bar at friends, open the cash register, and then procede to give an undetermined ammount of money to some sketchy-looking much younger dude, at which point they both left. I then leaned over to my then-girlfriends and whispered, "that, dear, is a trick getting paid." despite that, i have not been back since.