MIAMI GUIDE TO ART FAIRS - DRINKS

Miami Beach is one of the few cities that openly flouted the 18th Amendment back in 1919. Congress passed a nationwide ban on the manufacture and transportation of liquor and half of Miami was waiting on the docks for the bootlegger ships, waving wads of cash and crying out, “Yoo-hoo! Sailor boys! Over heeere!” They didn’t care! They flew in the face of Prohibition so we could drink freely today. So temperance be damned, have a drink, you weak bastard. You owe it to Miami.

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NEW YORK - WHO'S THAT MAN?

So VBS ce-web-rity™ Ryan Duffy got a tattoo from Scott Campbell, who has a whole show at Art Basel of pictures of tattoos he did of celebrities wearing 3-D glasses (fuck, that's a lot of "of"s). Duffy showed it to us being like, "Eh? Eh?" and it was all crickets here. We're stumped. Who is that? He won't tell us. He's all bummed, saying, "Come on, think about it."

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MIAMI - WHERE TO EAT

Jason Crombie wrote the whole Miami Guide to Art Fairs. Which means he also wrote this thing about where to go when you want to insert comestibles into your piehole. I’m no Zagat but I do have a mouth and I like to put stuff in it. No, not penis meat, Mr. Funnyballs, I’m talking about food. Food is very important, without it your vitamin, mineral, and energy levels can plunge dangerously low and you may become malnourished. If you remain malnourished for too long your internal organs can be permanently damaged AND you might die! Luckily in Miami they have food, and lots of it. Here’s some really good places to chew, munch, and chomp away at stuff so you’re not ravaged by famine like all those poor people in the world who, unlike you, don’t have the luxury of going to restaurants to gorge themselves like foul, gourmandizing swine.

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MIAMI - GUIDE TO ART FAIRS

You're in Miami sniffing drugs, chug-a-lugging champers until you've got a little cartoon dizzy scribble above your head, all ramped up on the art world and everyone's ego, ODing on "concepts," and suddenly you realize uh-oh, I'm gonna crash and burn and go back to my hotel room and have a hollow-soul hangover cry about the vacuousness of this experience if I don't get just a little dose of humanity. Or else you're sitting in front of a screen going, "Hey what's up with that whole Art Basel thing? Is it bullshit or what?" So here, we'll save all of you with our guide to Miami Art Fairs. Today watch for some friendly interviews with Nate Lowman, Aurel Schmidt, and Naomi Fisher, and then we'll also tell you where to get a bite to eat so you don't come back a cadaver. Cadavers smell like shit.

UGANDA - TEENAGE CIRCUMCISION THROUGH THE YEARS

Before we went in and totally blew the lid off the Mamasaba people's mass-circumcision rite/drunken village rampage, the most authoritative document of the practice was a documentary shot in 1968 by Richard Hawkins for the Royal Anthropological Society called Imbalu: Ritual of Manhood of the Gisu of Uganda. Except for a few taped copies floating around university libraries, the film is almost impossible to dig up, so as a little late-mid-week present to you the reader, we're making available a couple selections for you to feast your peepholes on. 

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CHINA - FREAKY ANCIENT WEED GRAVE

We knew the ancient Chinese were way into herb administration, but we had no idea they were into weed until some scientists found the world's oldest marijuana stash in a 2,700-year-old grave in the Gobi desert. Still-green, according to this boring report, it was found along with some super valuable and weird shit, including an earthenware pot, a horse lash and bridle or halter, a leather medicine bag, archery equipment, a rare harp, a wooden wimble tool, leather make-up bag, leather ring, and a wooden implement. Oh, and a white man's head in a basket.

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