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| You know what, you fucking idiot? We’re glad you’re dead. We’re glad the last image your friends have of you is skating down the stairs dressed as a Thai cowboy and then lying there bug-eyed like a Matthew Barney sculpture that hemorrhaged from too many blow jobs. |
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| We know you heard men are “slaves to their dick,” but you realize there are limits, right? Like when you come bouncing into the club with a giant panty on your body and fuck-me boots, we laugh at your Jersey ass and even when our dick goes, “Come on, please?” we tell it to fuck off and laugh at both of you. |
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| Hey, I’m all for sexy dancing and everything, but jumping up onto the parade float and dry humping her ass as your hand furiously rubs her vagina is called “doing it,” and it’s making her mom feel muy depresado. |
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| Hey Bruce Dickinsonami, you might not want to be strutting around Tokyo in spandex pants if you left your ass in San Francisco. Fuck. How do they even know where to put the asshole? |
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| I like the way drag kings have this shtick where they pretend to be totally over it in a “I know I’m ugly” kind of way, but the second there’s a pretty girl around the whole charade comes tumbling down and she instantly becomes the nervous, horny loser she pretends she’s making fun of. |
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We saw this crazy old cow at a beach party in Costa Rica. She was doing a new waveish pogoing-and-wriggling dance using a bamboo pole as her martial-arts partner. It was kind of impossible not to psychoanalyze a libidinous old lady that nobody wants to fuck jumping around a gigantic phallic symbol like a writhing lunatic. Can we not hire someone to fuck this sad pile of tits?
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| Either these two are fucking geniuses doing a perfect parody of Toronto junglists from 1995 or they are bridge-and-tunnel garbage that hate being white and haven’t noticed that Bob Marley is the most boring pothead mulatto since the guy who does TV Carnage. |
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| Doesn’t this guy perfectly sum up the way you go to the second-hand store and see something and go, “I can’t believe someone gave this up,” then you wear it once or twice and you’re like, “Oh, I know now. It’s so ill-fitting it feels like it’s on sideways.” Then you put it in a big bag of second-hand clothes to sell to the second-hand stores and, like pedophilia, the cycle continues. |
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| The true New York look is totally indistinguishable from the true well-behaved-toddler look. If a day-care worker saw them standing there at the museum he’d make them hold on to the rope and go, “Come on, you two. Get with the group.” |
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| If you’re worried about being mistaken for an old maid, try dressing like a used tampon that got left in for too long. It makes you look so fertile it’s almost ovarian. |
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