NEWSLETTER  



DOS & DON'TS

  • DOs & DON'Ts

    Judging by the pasty skin and amber-highlighted hair, I imagine her to look like a British au pair in the face. If that?s true, I?d rather look at the macram? backpack.
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    DOs & DON'Ts

  • DOs & DON'Ts

    Girls who think guys will talk to them if they dress up like video game characters created by guys who are too scared to talk to girls is an even viciouser cycle than poverty.
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    DOs & DON'Ts









TOKYO SPECIAL
Girls don't masturbate the way we do. Instead of playing out a scene where the upstairs neighbor comes down to borrow milk and ends up sucking your dick in the bathroom, they're more into focusing on a color or a nice song or even an undulating golden air sculpture that flows in the wind. That's what's so brilliant about this guy's hair. It is literally the inside of a girl's brain masturbating.

Remember at the beginning of "Punk's Not Dead" when Wattie from The Exploited goes, "Don't youse hate Crass? Crass are a bunch of fucking wankers. They don't believe in Anarchy and Chaos. I believe! In Anarchy!" That moment affected a lot of people. Even baby chinks. While you're creaming your jeans about a Slayer shirt on eBay from 1983, Japanese kids are getting shirts so out there you don't even know. Like some esoteric oil sheik in Iraq that made shirts of himself for all the crazy asslickers who worship him—they wear that on laundry day.

In France Napoleon is a hero. In America he's a loser. In America Einstein is a brainy German. In Japan he's an evil Jew that came up with a formula to turn a bunch of kamikazes into warm air and birth defects. That's why he's always holding a barrel of radioactive waste in a thunderstorm. That is also why this shirt DESTROYS the sheik shirt. With flip flops this would just look kind of lazy. Throw some Chucks in the mix and it's "longtime girlfriend" fun. But matching orange stilettos? That's a level of hot so fucking high not even a good raping could put out the fire.

How badass is their working class? That's their shitty clothes? A pair of ninja boots and some mountie pants with some weird wrist things for deflecting bullets? There's like the fighter and the bomb expert and the getaway guy and Plasticman or some shit. What do these "construction workers" build all day anyway, the fucking Justice League? Holy shit.

We emphasized the corner so you could see the surfer (can nips be surfers?) dad and the twin brother. These guys were ollying and acting so tough that when they went by we bowed really low and started going, "Moshi Moshi Domo Moshi Domo" like a bunch of subservient pedophiles. Full sleeves on girls are a bit much. It's better when they have just one tiny thing on their arm. Not a dolphin on their ankle or a stupid lacey design on their lower backs (why couldn't Scott have thrown that Lacey into the bay instead?), just a nice little rainbow that says, "I may be 34 but I'm still Daddy's girl deep down."

It's nice to see women on the beach who aren't ashamed to make jokes about their weight. She obviously knows she's a gigantic and hideous fat cow, but her personality is so good she can just throw a whale on her tits and laugh it off. Fuck are fat chicks ever funny. There's nothing better than going to the other end of the world and hearing a band that makes the MC5 sound like Enya. When you find out they're actually visiting Tokyo from Beijing (nips hate chinks worse than gooks) it's like seeing the Bad Brains rock your sister's Bat Mitzvah.

What do you do for a living? "Oh, I own a demolition company that uses the lyrics from ‘War Pigs' as its motto. We play Black Sabbath really loud and destroy buildings. What do you do?" Um, I drop to my knees and suck your dick with tears streaming down my face.

Now we're talking. No more old ladies lumbering along with their broken shopping carts wondering how to save a fraction of a cent. This motherfucker climbs up the stairs like D-Day in Animal House and gets his whole shit done in about one minute. Why is everyone so fucking amazing this month? I'm starting to feel like a nude loser. Read ‘em and weep: an embroidered back patch that says "Get Off My Cloud" complete with a fuck you finger that must have taken days to finish. She bought it off some crazy old stoner that did acid back when it was the size of a Lifesaver. Maybe we don't hate hippies after all.

In Sweden these are considered ugly pigs with no taste. If you visit there be prepared to have your dick come tearing out your pants and wack you in the head so hard you start swinging your fists because you thought someone just punched you (which makes them laugh, which makes you ejaculate like it's raining outside). "Goodbye, boring, plain, ‘scared to shine' me. I am reaching deep inside my pants and pulling out RICARDO! A blazing colorful and in your face me that is so hot you keep seeing burnt images of me when you blink like when someone surprises you with a flashbulb."

Fuck the baldies. They are old. They represent everything we hate. They represent selling out, settling down, not taking chances and not being free. If you see a bald person tell him to fuck off and make sure he gets out of here. If he doesn't listen fucking pour beer on the guy and go, "Get out of here, baldie!"

And if there is even a semblance of a minute millionth of a chance that you will one day go bald (it's your Grandfather on your Mother's side) then just fuckin' tattoo your whole head. You may look like a Maori Lego man but at least you're not bald. When we walked by her we heard her casually humming to herself, "Say peace to cats who rock mack knowledge. Knowledgists, street astrologists. Light up the mic God, knowledge this. Fly joints that carried your points..." then, when she caught us staring she stopped rapping and said, "What?"

Chicks hate this guy because he's such a pretentious fag asshole but that is precisely why he's so amazing. Check out that fucking medallion. He looks like a Nazi accountant from the future but he's actually an eccentric fashion millionaire that likes to get jizzed on. Don't try to compete. Just stand back and let him happen. Dude is just chilling. He's unflappable. You could be like, "Humpty, what if nobody shows up to our party?" and he'd be all, "Don't worry about it doood."