NEWSLETTER  



DOS & DON'TS

  • DOs & DON'Ts

    I couldn’t work out how I knew this guy and then I was like: “Of course! He’s the living embodiment of the brains of all my best slightly shitty friends.”
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    DOs & DON'Ts










The longer Johnny Cash lies dead the more obvious it becomes the Man in Black rules everything around us. As his last days approached, the country-music industry blew him off and told him he was no longer relevant to the modern world. Then he got together with Rick Rubin and did a four-album deal that turned all our favorite songs into Grammy-Award-winning country classics. Right when you thought the bird couldn’t get flipped any harder, the guy goes and dies before any of his enemies can apologize. Poetry.


It’s hard not to dress like a subhuman wigger when you’re a little kid because everyone not covered in oversize baseball clothes gets called a fag so loud they start believing it. That’s why seeing this Soft Charlie get so stylish so early has such a heavy impact.

Slightly post-pubescent Metal Chick is a tough one to pull off without looking like a dumb slut that got fucked by her dad, but this pre-groupie is so authentic (right down to the Too Fast for Love glove and belt set-up) you can’t really fuck with her (literally).

Sorry you can’t rave anymore because you’re a severe gimp that can barely handle a wheelchair and everyone will laugh at you if you get all dressed up.
“Innn yeh-rr face m-m-m-motherfucker—nngh”
... and we all cheer.

Girls with big huge hip-hop nerd glasses and sexy 80s dresses is the kind of look that appeals to both brains, which is rare because you and your dink never agree.


They may look like mentally ill foster parents everywhere else in the world, but here in New York these outfits make everyone feel like we’re finally home.

This bastion of cleanliness is the whole reason everyone is so bored of tattooed sluts. She is so pure and good that when the Chinese ladies get her laundry they secretly take it to the back room and roll around in it like cats.

Tomboys are good too because it’s a buddy when you’re drinking beers and making controversial jokes and then when she’s just in her Puma socks and in your bed it’s like you pushed a magic button and made a girl appear. (Unless of course this guy is a dude in which case I just bought myself a ticket to Fagtown.)

Israelis are out, but when Jews are really into being Jews it blows all of David Duke’s Jewish-supremacist conspiracy theories out the window because they’re like, “Yeah, so what?”

What is it that’s so great about dressed-up girls on bicycles? They make you feel like you can do anything—like when Elliot was escaping the Feds with E.T. but with more sexual overtones.

The only guy that can be OK with the straight male community and still bang models is this guy. Super-manicured metrosexuals and jewelry-wearing club promoters are left in the dust as he crawls out of bed and asks her to loan him $20.