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| I know the Fonz said owning a motorbike makes you cool but Google it dude, that was 1975 and he was pretending to be from the 50s! Today it doesn't erase the fact that you're a little Moby nerd in women's shorts and adult sneakers Googling Happy Days. It actually makes things several thousand times worse. |
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"C'mon kids, it's right here. All you have to do is grab it. Then we can talk and get to know each other and, eventually go to Puerto Vallarta together and swim in the nude."
Dad, you're going to get castrated and then ripped to shreds in prison. Is it really worth it just to see a tiny dink? |
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Ah ha ha. Look how constipated these Jersey Guidos are in the first shot. They're like, "Why did I wax my Adam West, fake tan, barrel chest if I can't show it off?" Then we let them pose shirtless and it was an emotional explosive diarrhea for them ("Aaaah, fuckin' finally").
Dear Italian Americans (and French Canadians) of the world, read my lips, taking your shirt off in clubs is for f-a-g-s. It's part of their mating ritual. Not yours. Jersey Shore shirtlessness is the Village People phenomenon of our generation. In 20 years people are going to be looking back on VH1 saying, "How did those people not know it was a fag thing?" |
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| Hey Ironsides, we know you're a gimp and everything and you're not exactly beating off the pussy with a stick but turning yourself into a human ad for Verizon? Jesus Christ. Suicide would be more glamorous. Get a real job you lazy fucking sellout. |
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It might look okay if she was riding a horse in the nude but can you imagine her drain?
If you slept in her bed that shit would be all wrapped around your legs and caught under your armpits and everything. Sometimes you'd even feel one between your ass cheeks that, when you pulled it, would start coming unraveled from deep inside your ass. (How do those get there by the way? Did we eat them?) |
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How can someone know enough to get a tribal tattoo removed from their leg, yet still trust the idea to wear sport sandals and glittery toe nail polish? You're worse than that crazy gay dude my ex-girlfriend used to live with who had multiple personalities and would read notes to himself he didn't remember writing that said, "If you keep going to a therapist about us we are going to kill you."
Stop listening to yourself, Vito.
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And then there's this guy. He felt like his confining sport sandals were preventing him from really enjoying the comedy show (from the stage no less) so he took them off and STARTED MASSAGING HIS FEET!
The worst part was, whenever there was a really funny part you'd see his toes move up and down in ecstasy. It was a fucking horror movie. Can someone buy this bastard the DOs & DON'Ts book please!?
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| Um, Amy, close your fucking purse. You think fags enjoy looking at your big gaping cunt and all the shit you ram into it? That's like their Kryptonite. They don't see cunts as the beautiful orchids you and I see them as. |
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Oh, wait a minute. Maybe I do understand the way fags see vaginas: as strangely obtrusive holes that just kind of appear out of nowhere and sit there hairy smiling like they own the joint. |
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| When we saw this burning man at Burning Man we were like, "Hey Randy Macho Man Savage male porn star! What are you a roasted pig? Go lie on your stomach and put a fucking apple in your mouth. Ha ha." And then he goes, "Really hungry, overweight women in prison lie on their backs and touch themselves thinking about me." To which we responded, "Fuck, that's a good point. Sorry." |
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And homeless crackheads have no idea the joke they're making is putting an image in our head that's so fucking disgusting it makes us want to jump into a scalding hot shower and wash our genitals until they bleed. |
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| No he is not German. I thought so too but I walked up right behind him and heard an all-American WASP talking to his buddies about what bar to go to—and knowing that we know that he COULD grow all of his hair down to his ass if he really wanted to. The thought of this guy showering and maintaining that tiger-sized rat tail every day is enough to make you want to buy throwing stars. |
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Could these two dudes deserve the moniker "Gnarly Asians" any more please? What did they, kill Jon Benet Ramsey for a hundred and fifty bucks? Guys, stick to biting the Guido style. The Khmer Rouge, gun-for-hire, jungle killer thing is freaking us out. |
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| Look at these fucking douchebags. What are they, Armenian Ginos? Fuckin' grown men who want you to know that status is about holding large bottles of expensive vodka that they won't actually drink, dressing like Lil' Bow Wow if he was a Mediterrenean homo and telling society to fuck off. They look like Ali G teenagers in a line up of rape suspects. No wonder we're at war with them. |
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Remember that really, really dumb guy in the fourth grade who was excited about getting lice because he got called into the office to have his head shaved and everyone was talking about it? Well guess what. It's twenty years later and the only thing that's different is that his hair grew back.
(I bet he shits his pants). |
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Dude, 2,752 people died in those buildings and the best you can do is that a fictional character for little kids is depressed about it? Who else is bummed out, Barney the Dinosaur? Why don't you just have the leprechaun from Lucky Charms holding a dead fireman in his arms screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOO!"? |
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| Finally. |
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Um, sorry but I live in a world where white people aren't splotchy and they can dance, working class people are stylish and self-aware and lesbians are really hot, thin, porn stars that wear high heel shoes and suck each other's fingers.
Fuck you reality! |
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