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| We were at the park, minding our own business and trying to be kind, when these semiretarded homeless people sat right in front of us and began a 13-stage massage thing that involved so many inferred sexual positions it was like watching ugly porn. Can Katrina not come back through here and just do some quick spot sweeps? |
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What is it with these flip-flop guys where they’re so smug and toe proud? They’re like those small-dicked men at the nude beach that want to come over, put a towel down on the chair next to you, and tell you about the giant turtle they saw. Get your disgusting male nudeness out of my face or I’m going to step on it.
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| You know when you’re traveling and you end up hanging with someone like this because he’s the only guy around that likes partying and when you’re really wasted you give him your address back home and decide you’re going to be buds forever and then he comes to visit you a few months later and you’re like, “How the fuck did I ever put up with this gay geriatric cokehead?” |
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| I don’t mind that she’s breast-feeding strangers in bars. That’s gross, but it’s not my problem. The real bummer about this is when she gets home and starts feeding her real babies and they’re all blinking their eyes confused, wondering why there’s Hennessy juice all over their mother’s tits. |
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| Can you believe there’s still shitheads out there wearing trucker hats? |
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| After I took this picture, I turned to this old Italian dude next to me and quipped, “What is this, a mob hit?” And he smiled and said, “Can you email me that picture? That’s my son.” And I go, “Yeah, we’re going to put him in this thing called the DOs and DON’Ts and I’ll say something like ‘Maybe immigrants ARE doing jobs Americans won’t do, I mean, LOOK at this guy!’” And he goes, “Actually my father is a hard-working immigrant from Sicily and my son has just returned from hockey camp where he plays with kids three years older than him and he’s very tired and blah blah blah,” and I’m thinking, “Does everyone in the world have a pickle up their ass?” |
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| Speaking of Italian pieces of trash, what is with them and the tanning shit these days? They look like fucking mud wrestlers the way they slather it all over their faces like the guy in Team America World Police. Are they that jealous of Pakis? |
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| I think about 96 percent of the population knows that club dancing is used to simulate some kind of sex act that you’re supposed to try out for real after you get home. So why the fuck is this guy letting a woman “freak” him? Does he want to take her home and stuff her cunt in his ass? |
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| I asked a black guy what is it with black guys and those weird cyber earphones that make them look like they’re on Babylon 5 and he said, “I don’t know. Maybe it’s like having the latest shit.” Apparently the latest shit is making people feel embarrassed for you. |
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| Lady, you’re old. I’m sorry. I know The New York Times told you it was OK to hide your turkey neck in $300 scarves and dress like a cokewhore from thecobrasnake.com, but your 20s left you half a fucking century ago. Fuck. I can’t wait until this generation is out of our hair for good. |
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 Um, Amy, close your fucking purse. You think fags enjoy looking at your big gaping cunt and all the shit you ram into it? That’s like their Kryptonite. They don’t see cunts as the beautiful orchids you and I see them as. |
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 Oh, wait a minute. Maybe I do understand the way fags see vaginas: as strangely obtrusive holes that just kind of appear out of nowhere and sit there hairy smiling like they own the joint. |
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 When we saw this burning man at Burning Man we were like, “Hey Randy Macho Man Savage male porn star! What are you a roasted pig? Go lie on your stomach and put a fucking apple in your mouth. Ha ha.” And then he goes, “Really hungry, overweight women in prison lie on their backs and touch themselves thinking about me.” To which we responded, “Fuck, that’s a good point. Sorry.” |
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 And homeless crackheads have no idea the joke they’re making is putting an image in our head that’s so fucking disgusting it makes us want to jump into a scalding hot shower and wash our genitals until they bleed. |
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 No he is not German. I thought so too but I walked up right behind him and heard an all-American WASP talking to his buddies about what bar to go to—and knowing that we know that he COULD grow all of his hair down to his ass if he really wanted to. The thought of this guy showering and maintaining that tiger-sized rat tail every day is enough to make you want to buy throwing stars. |
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 Could these two dudes deserve the moniker “Gnarly Asians” any more please? What? Did they kill Jon Benet Ramsey for a hundred and fifty bucks? Guys, stick to biting the Guido style. The Khmer Rouge, gun-for-hire, jungle killer thing is freaking us out. |
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