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| One of the worst things about passing out wasted is pissing yourself. Even after your pants dry they smell bad and make you feel like a loser. In order to avoid this you may want to just pull your weiner out and let it breathe. However, if your penis is a foreskin-heavy sausage roll you may want to endure the wet pants and let people continue to imagine it's more than a centimeter. |
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| Not only is this first-year rug muncher the only person in the world with Pink Floyd Zoobas, her backpack says, "Sexuality is God's greatest gift." I don't know how you lesbians out there feel about this but us straight males are so turned off our dinks look like the passed-out guy's. |
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Do you know what douche chills are? That's when you're enjoying some laughs at a karaoke bar and some American Idol gino in a wool hat gets out there and actually tries to be all sexy about it and you look down at your arm hairs and they're pointing straight up like if you were a fly. |
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| One of the most neglected aboriginal tribes is the Motocross Muppet Babies of the Sudan. They're trying to raise awareness about their people by showing up at clubs looking so ridiculous we're like, "Ah ha ha look at his fucking hair... anyways, what are you guys all about?" Pamphlets ensue. |
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You know, the worst part is I don't even think these guys are twins. Shit, they're probably not even gay. They're just two European fuckheads who love New York and are best friends with a girl and are riding the train because "it's hip-hop culture." How much would you have to be paid to endure their house at Christmas? |
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| Are they fucking with us? Maybe I'm overestimating the power of Vice, but when I saw these I got the feeling they were thinking, "We know we make you cringe so how about this, motherfucker?" It's like when a junkie dad knows he's a piece of shit and you're like, "Dad, why you gotta be like that?" and he just leans back with blood spouting out of his arm and his eyes rolling back in his head and he just goes "Aw, go fuck yourself" and passes out. It's like they like to be hated. |
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| Toronto girls have this weird raver curse where they seem kind of hot and fun to hang out with but then you look down and they're either wearing space boots or some kind of stupid leg accessory that looks like they're insecure but in the future. |
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Aren't thugs at least a little self-conscious at the perpetual childhood that is their lives? Haven't they seen Baby Boy? They live at home, get spankings when they're late, and now they ride fucking toy motorbikes to school. |
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| Not since the alchemists has one group of people been so determined to defy physics. For the last time junkies, you can't sleep standing up. If you want to take a nap go lie down on the side of the road. If you want all your problems to go away, roll over to the yellow line. |
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OK, we're not saying you have to be like Edith in All in the Family but can you take it a little bit easy, please? You look like one of those girls that's so good at blow jobs you kind of get bummed out and lose your boner and then she's all, "What the fuck's your problem, asshole!?" (which isn't helping things). |
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“Aw fuck, Zorf was totally wrong. Earthlings don’t dress like geriatric gay Italians.”
“Will you shut up and just relax? We’re fine.”
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The problem with dressing up as a magical Mad Max cyber-gypsy is, eventually you have to get on a bus and go buy cigarettes. There’s no dry ice filling the room with smoke at the 7-11. Just you and your stupid fucking stupid-ass face.
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There’s something real special about looking at a beautiful landscape and seeing a nice lady also looking at a beautiful landscape with a big, beautiful landscape embroidered on her back. Oops, where’d she go? I can’t see her anymore. |
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| Whoa. You probably don’t know this, but there’s this thing that moose hunters get where they see the beast but are too awestruck to shoot it. They just sit there frozen until it walks away. Luckily, Neil Simonton of Byron Bay, Australia, was man enough to aim his camera and catch this buck (possibly the heaviest DON’T in the history of Vice magazine) in mid-stride. “My heart was pounding after I caught him,” said Neil in a recent email. “It was a huge adrenaline rush.” |
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Nice fucking purple trackies, you fat bitch. What are you, the fucking Michelin Man? Nice gay hat, too, you fucking little loser bitch. |
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