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He’s everybody you ever wanted to punch, positioned in exactly the position you want him to be in when you punch him. You’d knock off his glasses and bounce his head off the side of the refrigerator and he’d hit the floor and look up at you all hurt and confused with a perfect trickle of blood coming from his nose. He’s punching-people porno. In fact, I’m jerking off right now.
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We like to pretend that New York City is the greatest place on earth, but you know that’s bullshit. You know your little scene with your friends and your inside jokes is all that matters. That’s “cooler” than any stupid party you read about over on Last Night’s Party.

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