Vivienne Westwood describes Red Label as a remix of all her old stuff – it’s the greatest hits package everyone wants. It took a million years to get entry to the show, but trust me, being an ethnic always helps. Westwood is currently winning the LFW ethnic model count – a third of the models walking for her are black.

Red Label pieces usually possess the kind of corsetry that creates silhouettes that both girls and guys are turned on by: massive tits, tiny waists, and plenty of hip. Quivering mounds of Victorian cleavage are usually on the menu as well, but this season it was all pretty chaste.

With the exception of a logo-adorned duffel bag, there was a strong Little House on the Prairie meets post-coital Alice in Wonderland vibe, with matted hair and models sucking on gilded sticks of corn, plus Amish-looking wide-brimmed hats and Virgin Mary hoods. All of these were accessorised with the kind of gold hoops the blonde chick from N-Dubz might reject for being too ghetto.

When they weren’t risking their bare feet on the cement floor, the girls were wearing some pretty hot pink and gold platform metallic lace-up numbers that the trannies in the crowd were cooing over, wondering if they came in size 9s. Also, one of the skinhead lesbian chicks with bad posture from an old series of Big Brother was in full effect walking the triangular catwalk to muttered slaggings off from the crowd.

WORDS: LOLA OKUYIGA
FIRST PARTY PHOTO: DANIEL BENSON