In today’s pig-shit economic atmosphere one must respect those with an entrepreneurial disposition – these free-spirit capitalists will save our souls and rebuild our society, eventually. However, the other day I got an email about a product so wildly free-spirited that I had to get in touch to ask if it was bollocks or not. Hands up, who wants to invest in a company which sells shit-stained pants for the mainstream? Yeah, the mass market, like you and me, not the niche bedroom Japanese paedo copropheliac market.

Unfortunately, it’s not real shit, so anyone craving the soul of a schoolgirl’s arse would be unsatisfied. The skid marks on these pants are fake, it’s designer. But it’s also practical. I’ll allow the email I received about this wonderful product explain the precise details.

Hi Alex,

I run a company that does Pre-Stained Underwear (underwear that has shit stains printed in them). It’s called Easy Tiger Corp. The idea behind our underwear is that when a woman catches you with dirty pants, it can be quite embarrassing, but if they’re ours, you can just say you bought them that way and you’re home free.

Anyway I was thinking, at festivals you end up going without showering for days at a time and thus this actually is something that would be a big problem if you’re getting sexy. So I could see this as something you might want to feature during the festival season.

I should probably also mention this isn’t some gay sex fetish thing.

Anyway let me know if this is something you’re interested in covering.

Phil

I didn’t really get it, so I emailed him back saying:

Pre-shat pants for the mass market? How much of your money have you invested in this?

He replied:

Yup that’s exactly the idea. It only cost a few grand to start. If I had more to invest in it I totally would though. My only regret so far was that I wasn’t able to get anyone to give me some pants to base the artwork on. Instead I ended up having to “create” them myself. Not a good day at work, let me tell you.

Still unconvinced I responded:

This is a really strange idea. I’m not sure how rich it’s going to make you. Have you an entrepreneurial background?

He liked this one:

Not really but there’s a family history of it. My father started a company that became the largest Telecoms Consulting firm in Canada, and his twin brother started a company that got bought by one of the largest Insurance firms in the world, and has since become the president of it I believe. That’s a pretty damn boring way of making a living though if you ask me.

Personally I’m more of the kind of person that walks around pretending to be blind and intentionally walks in to people with his blind stick, then comes to work really hung over and tries his hardest not to puke on his laptop, then goes and takes a two hour nap in the handicapped loos, and tells his boss he had a really important call that he had to take. I know entrepreneur and drunken loser aren’t mutually exclusive but usually they are.

When I started the company I made sure to pick a partner who was really hard working and had started his own internet store before.

I’d rather work for the largest telecoms consulting firm in Canada than pretend to be blind and design turd wipes on my puke-saturated laptop while a disabled person pisses themselves outside, but maybe I’m just a pussy. I felt pretty lame about giving him shit about his obviously disastrous investment, so, Phil bro, here you go, here’s some press. Now you can write “As featured in Vice” on your weird pants and everyone’s low expectations of us will be fulfilled.

ALEX MILLER