Don’t cut your long hair. You’ll regret it eventually. A while ago I found an extension seller on eBay and decided to buy thirty quid’s worth of human hair that an Asian girl probably had to sell because she’d ran out of internal organs she didn’t need. Me and my weave had a wonderful honeymoon period, but it’s really shocking how unobservant most guys are; no one seemed to notice that my hair grew and retreated on a daily basis.
Lots of good things come of having fake hair, like being able to twirl it round your finger to pass time, or literally being able to, “Pat your weave” when you’re listening to ‘Get Me Bodied’ by Beyoncé. But, there’s only so long before you’re too drunk to slap away someone’s hand when they reach to stroke your head, only to find your scalp riddled with metal clips.
I thought that I’d reached the extension pits when my ex-boyfriend tore a clump of my fake hair from my head during sex and just said, “whoops”. I remember locking myself in his bathroom and refusing to come out because I’d found the entire thing so embarrassing.
But now I’m over that whole thing. Not because it wasn’t horrible, but because something about ten times more traumatic happened recently. A while ago a friend-slash-on-and-off romance of mine was visiting from France. Back at his hotel we were both pissed as hell and couldn’t decide if we wanted to fuck on the stairs or argue in the corridor. All the while there was probably a security guard wanking over the CCTV of me talking about my feelings with my tits out. A few harsh words were exchanged and I decided to leave. I was making my dramatic exit, practically humming ‘Independent Woman’ , when he shouted that I’d, “Forgotten sumsing.”
I turned round and he was sort of staring and pointing at the floor. I think I shamefully threw up a tiny bit in my mouth as he picked up a matted chunk of hair and held it out to me.
It was OBVIOUSLY mine, there was no escaping it. But, in my drunken stupor, I decided that the situation was completely rectifiable, so I flat out denied any familiarity with the ratty bundle. We exchanged a few confused glances before I snatched it from him and stuffed it into my handbag. I tried to make a joke about alopecia, but I don’t think he understood. Or maybe he did and just thought I was being serious. Long story short: just grow your fucking hair.
BILLIE JD
Reader Comments
February 4th, 2009
This made me laugh. My friend just bought some extensions for, I SHIT YOU NOT, £30 and proceeded to tell me how it had probably been hacked off some poor girl from India. But i thought it was a piss take because you can get blonde extensions and there’s no way they’d be able to bleach naturally black hair without fucking it up…anyway i’m digressing…basically…she wasn’t lying!!!
February 4th, 2009
Or maybe just cut it and don’t get shitty extensions?
February 4th, 2009
fucking hilarious.
February 4th, 2009
Will you please just stop… I hate you and your hair.
February 4th, 2009
HAA. Maaaan, I cut my hair SHORT like 2 months ago. Worst decision of my LIFE.
February 5th, 2009
Don’t worry honey, if that’s you in the pictures the security guard won’t have been wanking. Dry heaving, maybe, but not wanking.
February 5th, 2009
Short hair is awesome if you can pull it off (and from your photos i think you can)
February 5th, 2009
This story is SO YOU.
but not me.
lawlz.
kbai
x
February 5th, 2009
I feel you sister.
February 5th, 2009
OMG The Guardian is the best fashion journalism out there haha
February 6th, 2009
Response to Elle…….
Most, if not all hair comes from asian countries, and yes it is all bleached. Only 1% of the entire planet has naturally “blond” hair. In my 12 years of doing hair I have met 3 people who were naturally blond, yes blond like bleached blond. There are many light brown/dirty blond haired people but blond hair is 99% of the time, all bleached out. The reason that it doesn’t feel fried is because the hair is taken very good care of prior to the donation, and black hair is naturally resilient.
February 8th, 2009
you should feel ashamed.
February 11th, 2009
Yesssss!! Someone who makes my writing look interesting!
February 11th, 2009
I used to want to cut my hair really short but I think I’ll be fine with just getting layers put in for now. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about girls who get fake hair put in and I never want to do that! Also, that video kind of freaked me out lol.
You look really good with that lipstick on by the way :)
-Deborah-
http://nonrambfromdeb.blogspot.com
February 11th, 2009
girlies, just be natural. this girl is fine.
February 13th, 2009
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February 20th, 2009
Just get some Balmain hair and stop writing horrifically boring articles.
February 23rd, 2009
i don’t get it, why is this interesting?
are you a transvestite?
March 22nd, 2009
Sweety, you really need to worry about your face rather than your hair, what with the white makeup..you look like a crack’ead. I couldnt give a flying fuck about you hair or your writing.
April 9th, 2009
“Long story short: just grow your fucking hair.”
Wish you’d said that at the beginning so I didn’t waste my time reading this shit. Fucking hell.
April 20th, 2009
Greatings, Ugh, I liked! So clear and positively.
Thank you
April 23rd, 2009
Greatings, I have already seen it somethere…
Robor
May 2nd, 2009
reading your article is like sucking a turd.
June 2nd, 2009
i’m never going to get that time back.
June 3rd, 2009
You find it strange that people didnt realise that you’re hair was getting shorter one day and longer the next? maybe its because people arent actually as bothered about you as you are?
June 3rd, 2009
two destinys child references, one article…you’re cool
June 3rd, 2009
if i ever fucking see you i will fucking scalp you so that you cant even clip those shitty extensions to your head, your bullshit articles are boring and barely make sence i hope u catch aids after you get raped they will shit on your clit!
June 4th, 2009
@ I will kill you………………….sense*
June 23rd, 2009
she’d ‘ran’ out of internal organs? she’d run out of them, actually
learn to fucking write!
how has no one else mentioned this?
June 29th, 2009
KG0CBG comment6 ,
July 30th, 2009
one word: CUNT
December 18th, 2009
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