Once upon a time 125 years ago, Jaeger used to be called Dr Jaeger’s Sanitary Woollen System. Putting the word “sanitary” and “woollen” next to each other makes me think of period pads made of itchy grey school trousers so it’s a good thing they simplified because now the name makes me think of Jägermeister. Sadly there was none of the latter. Still, Jaeger made up for the lack of free shots with a neat dose of celeb spotting.

At the top there was Erin O’Connor with a hairstyle last seen on Luke Perry circa ’91. She was sitting with “the first supermodel” – although Janice Dickinson would probably punch her in the boobs if she heard another woman described as such. There was 77-year-old Carmen Dell’Orefice with her halo of hair, white as Estelle Getty and big as Joan Collins, and still freakin fierce despite having a name remarkably close to Nancy Dell’Olio and the word orifice. Nany Dell’Olio’s orifice. That’s the last of the word association. Other notables include: models Jade Parfitt and Jacquetta Wheeler, actress Tamsin Egerton (née Egerton-Dick, unfortunately), and Nicholas Hoult (who once diddled a friend of mine in the middle of a crowd while watching a band at a festival which is ewww because I still think of him as that kid with the unruly brows in About A Boy). Anyway, all these people had to scooch up the row to make way for the late arrival of Chris Eubank.

Once the show was finally underway to the strains of some woman singing Kings of Leon’s “Knocked Up”, we were treated to some good stuff: cream and black dresses with geometric shapes and shoulder pads (more Star Trek than quarterback), plus some muted triangle-print silk shirt dresses. The rest was pretty meh: marble-swirled fabrics and cocoon-like jackets, and then there was the seriously tragic – a metallic brown blazer belted over a matching skirt and some high-waisted trousers seemingly attacked by an OCD six-year-old who has just discovered the joy of the ruler.

Throughout the show my cohorts and I couldn’t help but gawp at what looked like a midget Boris Becker in a gold brocade skirt. This was of course, Becker’s 8-year-old love child Anna, conceived when her mother Angela blew the ginger tennis ace in a broom cupboard at Nobu and then presumably spat into the turkey baster she keeps in her clutch for such occasions. Now there is a girl with Boris’ face walking around. Talk about super sperm.

KIM TAYLOR BENNETT