Being a fashion week virgin, I was really excited about seeing The Central Saint Martin’s MA fashion show. I felt like I could relate to it, you know? Like me and the designers had something in common. It was the first time for both of us, so we were going to take it slow - not go too fast. You know, make love.

But what do you know? Big let down. Just like the other virginity I lost back at sixteen in the car park of a petrol station. In all honesty, a select few of the clothes were amazing, but some were heinous. The best by a landslide was designer David Koma. His women’s wear collection was so hot. Lots of sexed-up black dresses, lots of elaborate metal zips and chains, lots of sheer. It was kind of slutty, but hey, that just made it better for me. Chicks can afford to show more nipple in my opinion. His designs even managed to make the skinny bitch models look voluptuous and hot. In the end he was given the Harrods design award. Well deserved. There was also some really beautiful nude knitwear dresses by Enza Avolio, and some swirly black cool dresses from Derek Lawlor as well, that looked like something a super hot plastic alien would wear.

As for the heinous, however, there is too much to mention. One of the collections looked like a bunch of walking sleeping bags. One was made up of dresses with giant, glittery period stains on the front. One was full of clothes with these weird balls inside that bounced when the models walked and made them look pregnant. I don’t know how much you know about women, but things we don’t like include 1. look frumpy 2. looking pregnant. And 3. looking like we menstruated all over ourselves. I swear, I’ve gone along with some weird shit in my life, but if glittery period stains come on trend then I’m out.