A mum dress on a hot model in oil slick leggings and fuck-me shoes is still a mum dress. That is the lesson everyone learned this morning at British designer Caroline Charles’s Fall-Winter 09 collection show. Charles already has several claims to frump fame: she once dressed Emma Thompson in what cruel wags in ‘96 referred to as a “sea slug” for the Oscars (Thompson won for Best Actress, but her hideous aquamarine trouser-dress was an epic FAIL) and has made outfits for such renowned fashion victims as Princess Di, Liza Minelli, Mick Jagger and Ringo Starr - oh and a scarf for the Queen. Sartorially speaking, she’s UK high society’s conservative answer to Bob Mackie.

Click for pics.

Armed with this knowledge, I expected to be supressing my barf reflex as soon as the first model was shoved out reluctantly from behind the curtain, but to my disappointment, the first few girls wore conservative but almost palatable 50’s farmer chic outfits, and looked almost genuinely happy to not have their tits hanging out of some Christopher Kane zipper dress concoction.

Cowboy and riding boots were paired with high-waisted corduroy trousers and thick braces, layered sarcastically over Cavalli-esque cheetah print blouses – “boring but not horrible,” I thought. I also dug the granny-patterned “I’m picking gladioluses in the field” dresses – totally something I would pick out in a charity shop for that Marc Jacobs-y “eww” but “aww” effect – the only way tacky can work successfully.

But the fleeting “good tacky” was switfly erased from memory by outfits 5 through 15 (or however many variations on “we don’t even accept that shit at Oxfam” were paraded after that). It’s wrong, so wrong - juxtaposing gorgeous young models with the most tasteless Marks and Sparks-worthy embroidered granny cardigans and mother-of-the-bride dresses. I mean, I could totally see Sarah Brown or Fergie liking that shiny brown jacket deal - but if that’s Charles’ target audience, why not get a cast of news presenters to model the clothes?

To be fair, Charles did try to rein it in by putting wet-look leggings on some of the girls – they’re all the rage with the kids down at H&M, right? – but it only ended up underscoring the outdated sacks some of them had to wear.

And that red wedding dress at the end – was that her stab at a Galliano creation? An inside-out uterus carrying roses? FAIL.

NIC