You’d think that a group of such opinionated, embittered MacBook wankers, aka the self-appointed judges that form the VICE office, would have at least a minimal concern for their appearance, seeing as they so readily like to play the role of sentinels of what you should and shouldn’t wear, or what you are and are not allowed to like. The truth is, everyone in the VICE office today looks like crap, and how they have come to be considered arbiters of taste is an absolute farce. But hey, its what’s on the inside that counts, right
1. When I first saw this I thought this guy was just chilling out in his hallway waiting for his morning wood to subside before having a pee and making some toast. I was all, “Nice dressing gown, babes!” Then I realized it was just a guy in an ill-fitting trench coat, staring at the floor in shame. I was all, “Yeah. That’s as high as your eye-line belongs.”
2. This guy looks like a cross between Danny Devito and Steve McFadden. That’s not his fault, though. But it is his fault he’s wearing that ridiculous hat. His expression just oozes, “HEHEH, my shirt flaps and plimsolls match, I look fucking awesome.” No. Just, no.
3. I am the Online Editor for a cutting-edge publication. Everyone knew I could turn Viceland around when I wore a Teenagers T-shirt to my interview. I came across this pose when I was trawling style-blogs; body language is an integral part of my vibe. I think this stance is powerful enough to distract people from the fact that I’m not quite thin enough to wear skinny jeans.
4. When your legs are so short that it constantly looks like you’re doing that hilarious kneeling on some trainers gag (TOO FUNNY!), I’d advise against wearing long sweaters and pale trousers. I feel sort of bad because it looks like this guy was almost deliberately playing it safe, and he turned out to look like a war victim/that guy who plays the faun in Narnia.
5. Speaking of fantasy fiction, check out this dude who has chosen to use his Gollum-esque face to his advantage. By teaming it with a black T-shirt with some sort of tribal pattern or heavy metal band name, he has truly perfected that whole, “I play Dungeons and Dragons and run my own amateur-dramatics society” look. Good for you, man.
6. This guy is only a bit bigger than the character on his T-shirt. Look how angry and bitter that makes him.
Add a tweed shirt and some pale dungarees to his hair and beard and he’s basically a corn-farmer from Iowa.
7. I’m not buying any of this guy’s innocent smile/weird cat thing on his T-shirt bullshit. He wants us to think he reads some Terry Pratchett every evening before he lays out his outfit on the foot of his bed and goes to sleep, but secretly likes thumbs-up his ass and being called “Daddy” during sex.
8. This purple and orange stripey hoodie makes me feel like I know this man’s life story. He runs a stall in Camden selling eco-friendly hand-bags made of recycled rabbit turd. His first experience with drugs was at a herbal highs tent with his parents circa Glasto 1990. He lives in Stoke Newington with a a lentil of a girlfriend. They’ll settle down soon and have some kids they’ll dress in hemp ponchos and yellow Crocs. Your clothes determine your life’s path, is what I am trying to say.
9. See how grunge has sort of come back into fashion? Guys are growing their hair long, wearing ironic band tees, clashing plaid shirts, pretending they can skate-board. Yeah… this guy has just made the whole thing sort of offensive to me. PS: You look like that West Country dickhead from Time Team.
To conclude, I’d like to point out that I sometimes go to work in my pyjamas.
BILLIE JD
Reader Comments
February 3rd, 2009
11:55 am
They look like a bunch of geeks. Not the sexy geeky type though.
Or maybe registered sex offenders.
Hmmm tough choice.
February 3rd, 2009
12:21 pm
Who gives a fuck what you think?
February 3rd, 2009
12:51 pm
Where are the girls? And I don’t mean the last guy.
February 3rd, 2009
1:32 pm
Oh Bilie. Everytime something you write makes reference to your age, somewhere, a French electro star writes another line on his suicide note.
x
February 3rd, 2009
1:49 pm
maybe it would be odd to have girls in a post entitled ‘ GUYS who work etc etc…? maybe
February 3rd, 2009
1:50 pm
it turns out that i agree with everything in vice because i could go in, sit down and no-one would notice
February 3rd, 2009
1:55 pm
U-G-L-Y you aint got no alibi you UGLY!
no wonder the magazine’s shite.
February 3rd, 2009
1:59 pm
alex, that’s so not what the post was titled 5 mins ago. its a conspiracy.
February 3rd, 2009
2:52 pm
This is like when you listen to a band, like them but then actually see what they look like and think ‘Zoinks, what was I thinking?’ It’s devastating.
February 3rd, 2009
2:54 pm
moderate this, dingleberry
February 3rd, 2009
3:02 pm
Billie won the tantrum, yay!
February 3rd, 2009
4:50 pm
You’re a cunt
February 3rd, 2009
5:20 pm
Are you attempting to imitate the M.O of the ‘do’s and don’ts’ with this?
Perhaps you should leave it to the professionals sweetheart..
February 3rd, 2009
6:33 pm
I would fuck almost all of those guys.
February 3rd, 2009
11:22 pm
Last time I gave a shit what a 16 year old thought I was 12.
February 3rd, 2009
11:29 pm
I would like to also point out that number 8’s point ” circa 1990″ is void….. you must have been at least minus two.. watch that on TV on friday night because you can’t get in the pub? Your arrogance may have potential - can I take you to the swings?
February 3rd, 2009
11:33 pm
I like the way you’re called Billie JD… it’s a bit like you’re in High School Musical - although I am more than sure you did that on purpose.
February 4th, 2009
12:00 am
PIE HEAD
February 4th, 2009
12:14 pm
This is the solid gold we need more of. Has everyone been offended ‘cos the dress like this too? Dont worry, so do I, I just appreciate a good burn when I see one. Liven cheerio’s
Regards
Rob
February 4th, 2009
2:40 pm
seriously though where are all the girls ?
February 4th, 2009
7:31 pm
they’d kill billie
February 5th, 2009
12:39 am
Where’s Rayner? (the real dream boat)
February 5th, 2009
4:39 pm
here’s an idea. fire one of your dude interns & let me in. i promise to wear a pretty dress every day & make you coffee. deal?
February 5th, 2009
6:52 pm
guys, stop trying to pick up Billie. It’s creeping me out.
February 5th, 2009
7:00 pm
i would do 8.
and might hump 1 if I was drunk enough.
February 5th, 2009
7:28 pm
They all look the same.
February 5th, 2009
7:42 pm
props on the time team refernce too, i only just noticed it
February 6th, 2009
1:58 pm
where’s the skeleton tee?
February 6th, 2009
2:01 pm
Billie wears old wristbands from festivals. Fact.
February 6th, 2009
2:01 pm
Not only is everyone male, but they are white too, and I don’t mean ethnically but in a transluscent, pasty “I never go out ‘cos I’m too busy jacking off to my own work” white.
I actually like you more now for it, because I always assumed Vice staff would be vacant, handsome hipsters will 11 haircuts and expensive clothes but actually you look like extras from Mallrats.
February 6th, 2009
2:22 pm
Oh, how cool no to be cool trying to be cool but appearing under-cool… too much effort!
February 6th, 2009
2:29 pm
number 5 looks like Gustaf Kjellvander.
February 6th, 2009
2:48 pm
Vice is little more than a bitter public school boys club. They’ve all had traumatic group wanks at some point in their lives, where they found out their penises weren’t quite like everybody elses. Hence the creatures you see in the photos.
February 6th, 2009
2:59 pm
7: would. Definitely would.
February 6th, 2009
3:01 pm
Pau, are you saying that it’s a lot of effort to not put much effort into what you wear and that it would somehow be easier and have more integrity to get dressed up to the nines before turning up at a fucking office to sit in a chair all day typing? Is that what you’re saying? You cock.
February 6th, 2009
3:38 pm
you should see what people look like at loaded
February 6th, 2009
3:39 pm
DOINK. You sound like a plop Charlie Brooker
February 6th, 2009
5:06 pm
no2 (danny devitos offspring) is cute, others just frightening.
February 6th, 2009
5:08 pm
Number four is the most adorable thing ever. what a babe
February 6th, 2009
5:45 pm
Ben Walker=sex god
February 6th, 2009
6:12 pm
i had sex with number 3. it was pretty shit.
February 6th, 2009
6:19 pm
Nr 5 is the reason why I hate skinny jeans on guys. Look at those chicken legs, yikes!
February 6th, 2009
6:52 pm
Am I missing something or would she not have a job if it weren’t for these guys running Vice?
And it seems like she’s clutching at straws with the insults.
They’re mostly wearing black, white, t-shirts and jeans.
Sure it’s meant for entertainment, but it’s not even funny.
The more of her articles I read the more she seems like a bullshitting, attention seeking tit wank.
Billie JD=BIG FAT ‘DON’T’ :)
February 6th, 2009
8:40 pm
7.s hot
February 7th, 2009
11:00 am
eugh! sausage fest. where are the babes?!?!
February 8th, 2009
10:33 am
I am glad nobody is too outrageous or too cool looking…I hate people dressing better than me…and I hate the Shoreditch look of whatever they bought in a charity shop for £2 and walking along looking all po-faced and pretentious, and posing like any fucking cares…
February 9th, 2009
9:39 pm
You can’t win. How cool…slating your own. So predictable. Gosh, Vice is just so bloody out there isn’t it?! The signature sarcasm is real hilarious. I love sarcasm so much now that Ive adopted it on a permanent basis.
February 10th, 2009
5:43 pm
I recently gave number 3 a certificate for best fuck ever.
February 11th, 2009
7:31 pm
I don’t think I can take a 16 year old who looks like she’s been rapidly hit in the face by a nail gun seriously. Style tips, really? Just because your education came from the macbeth doesn’t make you clever.
February 13th, 2009
12:12 am
[...] for our fashion blog we thought it would be a great idea to send along Billie JD, our youngest, most hated [...]
February 13th, 2009
1:14 am
I normally find Vice painful and embarrassing, but Billie- this is really well written, especially for a 16-year-old, sorry if that sounds patronising.
February 13th, 2009
1:33 pm
this was genuinely shit
February 14th, 2009
11:41 pm
i love this article and i want to marry you
February 20th, 2009
5:48 pm
[...] + We love the team behind VICE Magazine, because of their wicked sense of humour. Some may find it offensive (as in seriously!) and in your face, but the Fashion Nation team is seriously intrigued by the extent of their ‘reportage’. Take a look here. [...]
February 22nd, 2009
6:09 pm
Come on VICE,
I can’t believe I thought you used to be a cool magazine.
June 2nd, 2009
3:46 pm
CHOP HEAD
July 3rd, 2009
7:14 pm
i think she’s pretty hot actually
July 6th, 2009
11:14 pm
no.7 is pretty hot
August 21st, 2009
4:17 pm
they should totally hire these guys to work at vice, they looks like they’re from the don’t section. (sorry)
August 21st, 2009
7:02 pm
6: What a BABE. Would.