I have no way of knowing if I’m right, but I assume that my perceptions of current trends in women’s fashion are wildly off the mark. When I do have opinions about fashion, they’re more based around my dick than Milan catwalks. Still, I do live in a city with trendy women and share a flat with a trendy woman and, erm, watch a telly which sometimes has trendy women on, so maybe I’ve picked something up. Without further disclaimer, here are the things I think I have seen women enjoy adorning themselves with recently and what I think of them. I might have it wrong, so feel free to take the piss out of me like the punks did to the Floyd. (Btw, the Gwen thing is a joke. I’m not an idiot.)

Large thick glasses

You know when you’re a teenager and you press your balls against a window to fear-out your mates inside? These might look like they were nicked off a Guess Who character, but they give me a similar urge.

Leather bags covered in chains
If you’re going to take inspiration from a fetishist, by all means look beyond the clit-restraints and arse-excavators. But please don’t just pause at the accessories. At least settle for a chain-choker, or a leather tail.

Metallic black leggings

Jesus. I have a new most-Googled phrase. How girls take a look pioneered by oil-slicked seals and turn it into Fuckzor, Goddess of the Night, I’ll never know.

Dressing like you “love the ’30s”
Sorry, dressing in seven layers of doily isn’t a sweet style. It makes you look like Florence Nightingale traded her tampons for food stamps.

Brogues

“Hmm. You’re wearing brogues, and I’m wearing brogues. Hmm. Do you want to get a cat, a flat and matching tats?”

See, clueless.

ALEX MILLER