Posing is the facial equivalent of shoving all your dirty pants, used condoms and empty Monster Munch packets in the oven when your new boyfriend comes over – things might look better for a second, but you can’t hide the fetid truth for long. Especially if he’s brought a frozen pizza with him.

Since we all became discount Derridas, constantly confirming our own existence through Photoshopped snaps on Facespace etc, posing has swelled into a grotesque titan of pouting, winking and the faux salute.

Facebook has actually become the poser’s worst enemy, since a virtual flick through their photos will reveal that the person in question only has one expression. Like a D-list actress suffering the after effects of cheap Mexican plastic surgery, the poser faces the camera over and over again with the same rictus, static face, unable to move. It’s like watching a cardboard cut-out on tour.

So, here are the classic poses, haunting the pages of your favourite social networking site:

The eye salute
A great unisex pose, this non-military, non-revolutionary, non-Scouts pose basically says nothing, means nothing and is therefore the perfect compliment to a load of photos of you in the toilets with your friends.
Blame: Peaches Geldof

The sneer
We all know that being cool is basically about being a better-looking, more popular cunt than the cunt sitting next to you. And lo, the sneer is born. You’re so cool you treat everyone with contempt, even the friend/lover/mother taking your photo.
Blame: M.I.A.

The cunnilingus
Very popular with the ladies, this one. Well, how else can you cope with being surrounded by a gaggle of testosterone-sapped stick men who are more interested in the latest fart-core band than you? The women of Britain have taken matters into their own hands; turning their fingers into symbolic vaginas and showing the photographer how it’s done.
Blame: Sexual frustration and men too pussy to lick pussy

The “from above”
As Jonathan Swift taught us, everyone looks better from above. Fewer chins, less coke nostril, bigger eyes. And so it is that every single photo has a weirdly truncated arm going off the side of the frame as the poser holds their camera a good three feet above their upturned faces, like a chick waiting for their mother to vomit down their gullets.
Blame: MySpace

The pout
There are two major schools of pouting, or what the French call “putting your lips up a chicken’s bottom”. The first is the frog-faced, slack-jawed, about to dribble, grimacing fixed pout of idiots like Keira Knightley. The second is the supposedly seductive, lips together, ready to kiss pout that, on most people, looks about as sexy as anaphylactic shock. Combine it with a peek over the shoulder and you have yourself a cliché.
Blame: Bridget Bardot

The “look away”
If the sneer doesn’t quite communicate just how little you enjoy the company of those around you, then looking out of shot in every single photo will probably do the trick. Looking up and left is popular with the vain since it makes your eyes look bigger. Looking down and right is popular with the pretentious, because it makes you look troubled and thoughtful.
Blame: Britpop

The gorm
Supposedly sexy, but actually makes you look like a deer caught in headlights. Makes me want to run you over. In a pick-up truck. And then reverse back to see if you are still breathing – before slowly driving over you again.
Blame: Agyness Deyn

NELL FRIZZELL