I have just been invited to yet another ’80s-themed fancy dress party. Original, no?
Despite the fact that the 1980s have been worn more ragged than Boy George’s anus, most of my friends are still determined to dress up like twats from Saved By The Bell and grope strangers to Tears for Fears.
Well, fuck them. There’s a recession on – it’s time to move on. It’s time to get ’90s. Below is a jaw-droppingly useful list of potential ’90s costumes to bust out next time you get invited to an ’80s fancy dress party.
Nelson Mandela – To kick off the decade, why not get dolled up with a natty silk shirt, a pair of too-small shoes and a “Who the fuck is Steve Biko?” badge? It’s worth it – in just seven years you get to meet Scary, Sporty, Ginger, Posh and Baby.
An ‘It girl’ – When Lycra, cocaine and a trust fund combine. Grab yourself some extra surnames, celebrate DuPont’s greatest 90s invention with a tight black dress, back comb your mane of blonde hair and eventually destroy your career with a long-running who-gives-a-shit relationship with a guy from a shit band.
BSE – A huge spongey brain can be made cheaply and easily using foam, paper, glue and paint. Think Anthea Turner’s Tracey Island, but made entirely of Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy. Alternatively you can go to a state-funded nursery where you’re fed corned beef each lunchtime and grow your own.
Poll tax – Shifting the tax burden from the rich to the poor during the onset of a recession? Great idea. Simply wear your jacket ripped, blood down your face, some tear gas in your eyes and a lump on one of your temples from being beaten to a pulp by the police during an anti-poll tax riot.
Grunge – Take That’s 1995 cover of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ will teach you everything you need to know.
Dolly the sheep – The original fashion party queen, Dolly looked just like everyone else, she aged unnaturally fast and was dead before her time. Named in honour of Dolly Parton, after being cloned from a mammary gland, let her inspire you to flash some of that good old ’90s Wonderbra cleavage.
The liberation of Kuwait – After Kuwait became “liberated”, it left Saddam Hussein free to whizz around the region, allegedly smashing, killing and destroying everything in sight. With Saddam acting like Sonic the Hedgehog to Iran’s Dr Robotnik, why not get yourself some blue body paint, a desert jacket, a Babylonian palace and a whole load of weaponry? Or just wear a hijab and carry a rocket launcher.
NELL FRIZZELL
