Around 200 DVDs are released every week in the UK. You’ll probably see about 10 of them screaming for your attention at the front of your local HMV, but what about the other 190? Most of them are specialist titles – some of them of the naked variety, a few old TV reissues, and endless boxsets about some war or other. For instance, Terminator: Salvation is out today, and retail-land won’t hesitate to inform you of its existence, but did you know there are also eight volumes of Extreme Trains out today? Probably not. Trains are in fact a very big deal on DVD; today also sees the release of Steam Engines Restored To Greatness (a three-DVD boxset), Steaming Around the World (a three-DVD boxset), and The Best of Steam Trains (a six-DVD boxset). So now you know.

In the absence of any releases I can muster up any enthusiasm to write about this week, let’s go all the way back in time to last week, when JJ Abrams’ Star Trek DVD came out, and use it as an excuse to delve into the murky world of Spock porn. I’m not talking about actual Star Trek porn (leave that to Sasha Grey), but the never-dimming enthusiasm for slash fandom and, specifically, amateur drawings and bad Photoshop efforts of Mr Spock in all his erotic splendour, many with his close friend Captain Kirk.

I can tell that you’re excited. But I’ve done you a favour and sifted through way too many of these images to find the 10 best ones, so that you never have to. Six of them are from here, so go there if these really get your heart beating fast. I call it Sporn. Well, I don’t actually call it anything, but someone might as well make up a good word for all this mess. Maybe it’ll catch on.

I thought I’d get this one out the way first, as it’s one of the most revealing, and possibly the most surreal. The three left hands fuck my eyes up. I don’t know what his right hand is doing. And what’s with the backwards tattoo? Is it so he can read it while he’s masturbating in front of the mirror? Still, it’s all rather pleasing. 7/10

Bit of a new-age theme here. Weird guitar (lyre?) from the future. Censored penis seems to be erect. I like the Keira Knightley open-mouthed pout. But Spock would never have such a crap tattoo. 3/10.

Having a bath in space with your boyfriend is not to be underestimated. Yeah, anyone can do that Photoshop mosaic effect, but it works. I like how relaxed they are with each other; I’d guess by this that they’ve been together about eight months. Simple yet effective. 8/10

This is just vulgar. Too crude. Too obvious. I feel nothing. 2/10

This is presumably post-coital, just two men at one with each other, admiring the full moon. Romantic and masculine, kind of wistful too. Nice monochrome. 7/10

This is a bit rubbish, but he looks good with a six pack. 5/10

What is this? Barbed wire? In the water? Is that metaphoric? Or is it reeds? And is Kirk floating? Why does he look so serene while Spock looks so troubled? Is Spock swimming over him? Too confusing, too much left unanswered. 3/10

Technically, this doesn’t really cut it, but who cares – it’s evocative and is a rare look at a vulnerable Spock. And I love the title: IV. (B) After the Nightmare. We can only imagine what a terrible dream it was. 8/10

Come on, admit it: the leather slacks are a good look for him. This is actually pretty hot. 8/10

Winner! I love that they’re still naked at the breakfast table. Just eating croissants and reading the paper. This is love. 9/10

ALEX GODFREY