Do you know what it’s like when all your attempts to connect with people fail, and you’d do anything for just a bit of affection, and you feel so desperately lonely that you resort to murder just so you can have some company in your bed? Read more »
ALI G’S COUSIN MAKES GOOD FILMS
I was smitten by Bang when I saw it in the fleapit cinema I was working in back in 1995. Here follows some facts about director Ash Baron Cohen. He’s Sacha’s cousin. He didn’t use his surname on his early films because he was working in America illegally. He’s legally blind without his contact lenses. He shot Bang, his first film, for $20,000, and he shot it great. Read more »
WOMEN FIGHTING WOMEN AND WOMEN FIGHTING MEN
I remember the first time I saw Japanese women’s wrestling. I was in a hotel in Tokyo, flipping through channels, and suddenly there were these two women screaming their heads off, trying to break each other’s arms. They looked wild, and far scarier than their counterparts in the States, who were always kind of sexy, in a She-Ra way. Read more »
THE MAN WHO BOUGHT MUSTIQUE
A couple of weeks ago, I read in the papers that 83-year-old Lord Glenconner had discovered he had a secret lovechild. How thrilled I was to hear new news about Lord Glenconner. The lovechild, now aged 54, previously thought his dad was an actor from Emmerdale, and asked for a paternity test after his mum died. His mum was Henrietta Moraes, who certainly sounded like a game old bird, being as she was an artists’ model who had posed for Lucian Freud (who supposedly seduced her over a kitchen sink) and Francis Bacon. She later developed a fondness for amphetamines and Special Brew, and became a cat burglar. A suitable match, then, for Lord Glenconner, whom she had a brief fling with after meeting him at a party on New Year’s Eve in 1954. Read more »
NEVER SWIM ON A STOMACH FULL OF BOOZE AND TROPICAL DIARRHOEA
I’ve never eaten a horseburger. I’ve had peacock, crocodile, buffalo, kangaroo and KFC, but no horseburgers. Slovenia’s Martin Strel eats horseburgers. He also drinks two bottles of wine a day, and says “Fat is my power”. He also swims four kilometres an hour, five hours a day, and, to raise awareness about pollution and the destruction of rainforests, swims the world’s most dangerous, dirtiest rivers. After previously taking on the Mississippi and the Yangtze (which saw him swimming amongst human corpses), in 2007, aged 52, he was the first person to tackle the Amazon, where he swam 5,268 kilometres in 66 days. Read more »
TWO MEN WHO MAKE AMAZING FILMS TOGETHER AND HAVE FALLEN OUT
Screenwriters Louis Mellis and David Scinto are practically their own brand. Masters of dialogue, their first film was supposed to be Gangster No 1, adapted from their own stage play, but creative differences with the producers prompted the pair to jump ship. Instead, along with director Jonathan Glazer, they made the outstanding Sexy Beast, which showed how great British films could be, and elevated swearing to an art-form. Today, a decade later, Mellis and Scinto’s follow-up is finally here. Read more »
A FILM IN THE FACE OF GOD - CROSSROADS
I know what you might be thinking here: “Crossroads?! What? That movie with Britney Spears, Kim Cattrall and Dan Aykroyd?!” And, of course, you would be wrong, because nobody has ever seen that Crossroads. I am, of course, talking about Walter Hill’s Crossroads, featuring Karate Kid himself, Ralph Macchio, as a virtuoso blues guitarist on his quest to unearth the lost 30th Robert Johnson track.
Tagged: Crossroads, fucking 80s style, ralph macchio, Ry Cooder, steve vai, walter hill
HENRY ROLLINS GETS KILLED
The other night I watched Wrong Turn 2. The original film, about a bunch of inbred mutant hicks killing beautiful people in the woods, was pretty good, as far as disposable, mindless, modern horror films go. I’d had a promo copy of the sequel gathering dust for a few years, and the recent straight-to-DVD release of Wrong Turn 3 reminded me of its existence. Read more »
THE GREATEST WORK-OUT VIDEO EVER MADE
Apparently in January everyone stops drinking and eating and starts incorporating words like detox into their daily vocabulary. After convincing us to poison our bodies throughout December, Satan cruelly U-turns and tells us we’re fat and disgusting. If you’re a woman, there are about 663 new keep-fit videos to make you spend more money and hate yourself. Satan doesn’t bother producing as many keep-fit videos for men, because men don’t need advice from Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer - they just need to drink less and jog more. Read more »
DEAR VICE - QUEST FOR FIRE
Dear Vice,
Have you ever seen Quest for Fire? It is maybe the greatest movie ever made. It’s a sprawling caveman epic starring Ron Pearlman that, unlike Caveman starring Ringo Starr, is extremely funny. Here are the best things that happen in it. (Please note I have not called a “spoiler alert,” as I do not believe it is humanly possible to spoil this movie.)
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