From the archives
Welcome to university! Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Forever!
Let’s raise a toast!
To the science students: Well done for making the informed choice to study esoteric theories dreamt up by totally insane professors that may or may not ever exist!
To the arts and humanities crowd: Get back to us when you’ve worked out the secrets of life by smoking pot, daubing paint on your trousers and reading books written by hippies and alcoholics who committed suicide at the age of 35!
To the business students: Be careful about the “blowing-off-steam-at-the-weekend” you’re going to have to do for the rest of your life because your shitty office job is like living in Guantanamo Bay. Only without the sex!
University is going to be BRIIIILLIANT!!! Wait. Is it?
YEAR ONE
SOCIAL LIFE
Myth: University is a whole new start on the social ladder. You will be the coolest kid around and will somehow be able to fool the new people you meet into thinking you are not a manic depressive loner, who was ritually beaten every day of your tortured life at school and who people only spoke to when asking for help with their French homework.
Fact: You will have the exact same social status you had in school, but without people knowing about the time you loudly fanny-farted while reading out a section of Tess Of The D’Urbervilles during English Lit. Sure, this is a new start of sorts but attempting a complete personality / identity renovation is a risky business and 99 per cent of the time ends in tears, relationship difficulties and drug addiction. Wahey!
