From the archives
ACTION PLAN Planning is everything. You need booze. You need a hard person to be the door guy. You need numbers for cabs. You need somebody who’s able to sort out what the music business calls “fruit and flowers” (Google it). You also need sectioned, locked areas of the house that only you have keys to. Most importantly, you need some overall idea about how the party should end up. This means: how to get the best people to stay and how to get the worst people to leave.
BABES You need at least a couple of these (of both sexes) to turn up early-ish as they make a talking point for the ugly people (everybody else). You should get the babes as drunk as possible so they’re more likely to stick around, and give them access to the secret areas where the “fruit and flowers” are distributed. If, after courting them for a couple of hours you decide they are complete idiots, then start a Chinese whisper that one of them has AIDS of the bumhole.
CLOTHES You have to have some kind of party outfit planned. The best thing to do is dress low-key and smart, but have some amazing novelty value flashing light thing going on in the corner of your outfit to attract drunk, horny people.
DEGRADATION Fuck these boring student dinner parties where everybody’s complimenting Sophie on her avocado and pine nut salad. Unless there’s a blindfolded virgin having opium forced into their anus by a giant walking tit dressed as a rabbit while a rave dwarf covered in baked beans felches them both by 7.45 PM, I’m OUTTA HERE!
