Photo by Johnnie Craig
From the archives
Without daytime television, students would have an awful lot more time on their hands. They would have enough time to wash their genitals and cook nice meals and study more and sit around camp fires singing songs about carefree squirrels and stuff. Maybe the world would be a better place. In fact, the world would definitely be a better place. Unfortunately daytime TV will never go away, so for the good of the world we have made a definitive list of which programmes you should and shouldn’t waste your precious time watching. Thanks, us. No problem, world.
TELEVISION THAT SUCKS
NEIGHBOURS
Due to its scheduling this mundane tramp through Antipodean triviality will sort of act like your alarm clock. You are bound to have at least one housemate who insists on watching this every day so you can work out how heavy the night before was by whether you wake up in time for the midday or evening show. Nothing ever changes anyway so if you snooze through both it’s no big thing.
THUNDERCATS
You aren’t seven anymore. You don’t get up at 6 AM and eat four bowls of Coco Pops cereal and then doze off in the afternoon (well, we really hope you still don’t). Trying to re-live some lost sense of innocence by buying T-shirts and DVD box sets from HMV is pretty creepy. If you are not careful you will start playing Warhammer 40000 again and then you are one step away from becoming comic book guy from The Simpsons.
STAR TREK
By the time you live in your own house you have no excuse for not having Sky+. Once you get there you will soon begin to wonder why this is on almost constantly every day on about 15 different channels. It’s almost impossible to have a clue what is going on as they seem to have a total disregard for ordering and everyone looks like they have a cauliflower stuck to their heads. It might however have some kind of brainwashing quality as usually discerning people seem to fall under its spell like Xanax-dosed flies to a big glowing orb.
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Posted on November 12th, 2009 | 9 Comments
Tagged: chillaxing, home, tv
From the archives.
I find in life that it’s best to take it easy when you can. There are very few things better than kicking back and not doing anything at all apart from flick the TV over and rearrange the cushions behind your head while touching yourself underneath your pants. University is probably the second best chance you will have in life, after your toddler years, for a substantial period of taking it easy so it’s very important not to waste any time expelling extra energy. Here are a few simple rules for you to follow to enjoy at least three years of blissful under-exertion.
MOVING IN
Before you even move in to a house, you need to be thinking about the best ways for you to do as little as possible. Rule number one: don’t show your face for the first week. There will be furniture to be moved, repairs to be made, cupboards to be cleaned, stuff to be painted. Casually stroll in after a week and this will all be taken care of. Whatever you do, do not get the room nearest to the front door. You do not want to be woken up at 7 AM once a week by the postman because the textbooks your bookish little worm of a flatmate keeps ordering won’t fit through the letterbox. Get an intermediately positioned room (so there won’t be too much effort needed to get to the front door when choosing to leave the house) and make a pact with yourself only to be risen by fire alarms or armed robbers.
WAKING UP
Never set your alarm clock too early. Have as much sleep as you like. Don’t worry if you miss the first episode of Neighbours, Channel 5 will very kindly repeat it again later on. Making breakfast is way more hassle than you need to deal with, so do anything and everything you can to get help with it. There is little better when dozing in bed in the mornings than hearing the words “cup of tea?” resonating from the kitchen. Never let an opportunity like this pass. You should be able to detect these words through concrete walls and closed doors. Your ears should perk up like those of a gazelle watching over its newborn in the dead of night as hyenas creep closer, and you should instantly reply “…and two slices of toast, please, with plenty of peanut butter. Bring them up.” If you drop a few crumbs on the floor while eating don’t worry about it, leave them. What do you think the mice are there for? The moment you leave the house they’ll have nibbled away those unsightly lumps of food and replaced them with much harder to detect little dark brown deposits that they will kindly hide out of sight under the bed or in the corners of the room.
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Posted on October 20th, 2009 | 5 Comments
Tagged: chillaxing
