From the archives.
In between all the partying, making friends and doing a miniscule amount of work you will have to do to scrape a pass in your degree, you will also have your time taken up with a thing called “being ill”.
Once you are taken out of the sterile test tube of the family home and are exposed to the myriad health risks that university lifestyle throws up, you’re really going to have to start to look after yourself properly.
Uni is a big festering, dirty shit pit of student digs, going out every night for weeks on end, eating food that isn’t really fit for human consumption and gorging yourself on bad drugs and cheap vodka.
If you ever bother to go to your lectures, sitting in a big room with your fellow students and having germs pumped around a confined room by dirty air conditioning doesn’t help too much either. In short, going to university is going to make you ill. Here’s what you can look forward to.
STDs
With the brave new world of the first year free-for-all fanny-buffet that cheap drinks and awful pop music in the student union brings comes new 
danger. In theory, every one goes at it like rabbits at university, but in reality after the first few months most people end up chained up in relationships or are put off sex having caught a hefty dose. There is more chlamydia going around your average uni than in a brothel, probably because hookers get checked more often. There were 121,986 cases reported across the UK last year, an impressive 150 per cent increase since 1998. While the symptoms are hard to spot and occasionally border on non-existent you may start pissing fire and passing gross discharge. Also watch out for the American exchange students because they are the ones who are most likely to have genital warts (we don’t know the reason for this but Yank students have higher levels of genital warts than Brits. Fact). Once you get warts you have the virus for life. Treating them involves a lengthy, repetitive and painful freeze/burn combo on your genitals. There are a tonne more STDs you can get and none of them are good. The best advice is to just keep it in the bag. Read more »
Posted on November 25th, 2009 | 10 Comments
Tagged: alcohol, drugs, ill, students
From the archives
Welcome to university! Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Forever!
Let’s raise a toast!
To the science students: Well done for making the informed choice to study esoteric theories dreamt up by totally insane professors that may or may not ever exist!
To the arts and humanities crowd: Get back to us when you’ve worked out the secrets of life by smoking pot, daubing paint on your trousers and reading books written by hippies and alcoholics who committed suicide at the age of 35!
To the business students: Be careful about the “blowing-off-steam-at-the-weekend” you’re going to have to do for the rest of your life because your shitty office job is like living in Guantanamo Bay. Only without the sex!
University is going to be BRIIIILLIANT!!! Wait. Is it?
YEAR ONE
SOCIAL LIFE
Myth: University is a whole new start on the social ladder. You will be the coolest kid around and will somehow be able to fool the new people you meet into thinking you are not a manic depressive loner, who was ritually beaten every day of your tortured life at school and who people only spoke to when asking for help with their French homework.
Fact: You will have the exact same social status you had in school, but without people knowing about the time you loudly fanny-farted while reading out a section of Tess Of The D’Urbervilles during English Lit. Sure, this is a new start of sorts but attempting a complete personality / identity renovation is a risky business and 99 per cent of the time ends in tears, relationship difficulties and drug addiction. Wahey!
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Posted on October 13th, 2009 | 25 Comments
Tagged: alcohol, education, sex
From the archives
ACTION PLAN Planning is everything. You need booze. You need a hard person to be the door guy. You need numbers for cabs. You need somebody who’s able to sort out what the music business calls “fruit and flowers” (Google it). You also need sectioned, locked areas of the house that only you have keys to. Most importantly, you need some overall idea about how the party should end up. This means: how to get the best people to stay and how to get the worst people to leave.
BABES You need at least a couple of these (of both sexes) to turn up early-ish as they make a talking point for the ugly people (everybody else). You should get the babes as drunk as possible so they’re more likely to stick around, and give them access to the secret areas where the “fruit and flowers” are distributed. If, after courting them for a couple of hours you decide they are complete idiots, then start a Chinese whisper that one of them has AIDS of the bumhole.
CLOTHES You have to have some kind of party outfit planned. The best thing to do is dress low-key and smart, but have some amazing novelty value flashing light thing going on in the corner of your outfit to attract drunk, horny people.
DEGRADATION Fuck these boring student dinner parties where everybody’s complimenting Sophie on her avocado and pine nut salad. Unless there’s a blindfolded virgin having opium forced into their anus by a giant walking tit dressed as a rabbit while a rave dwarf covered in baked beans felches them both by 7.45 PM, I’m OUTTA HERE!
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Posted on October 9th, 2009 | 5 Comments
Tagged: a-z, alcohol, drugs, party
