From the archives
ACADEMIC SUCCESS
Don’t worry so much. A 2:1 is the most common grade. Nobody gets firsts except weird brainiacs or Chinese people. This looks great on graduation day but understand that straight A students have endured years of overbearing parents, endless maths tests and “educational toys” for Christmas presents. For the men, when they get to 32 they spend thousands on rare Stars Wars figures because they never had them when they were young. The women? It usually manifests itself in a huge dildo collection, prostitution, madness, suicide or becoming a sexually voracious, piss drinking slattern. Good six-month-girlfriend material if you can handle the suicide attempts.
BED SHEETS
A lot of students, especially the boys, are little wimps struggling to understand life away from the comfort of mummy’s bosom. This is why they don’t wash their bed sheets for a whole year. They sleep on gallons of dried cum, piss, vomit, spilled beer and tiny particles of Original Cool Doritos. This is how they get “fresher’s flu”. It’s because they can’t take care of themselves. They invented a thing called the internet a while ago and if you type in www.google.com and enter “healthy diet” you can probably stop all this happening. Also, don’t be scared of the Launderette. Just ask the immigrant lady how to work it. Or do a service wash. It’s more expensive but time-wise it’s a lot more economical.
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Posted on September 30th, 2009 | 16 Comments
Tagged: the vice guide
From the archives
Photos by Alex Sturrock
Styling by Pegah Farahmand & Saffron Hunt
Hair and make up by Beth Ownens
FREE AT LAST
Kaftan—stylist’s own
Glasses—stylist’s own
Bag—stylist’s own
Trousers—
American Apparel
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Posted on September 30th, 2009 | 16 Comments
Tagged: Fashion, stereotypes, the horrors
From the archives
DOs
There’s going to be a huge rise in Islamic students this year. There are lot of things you should know about this religion so as not to offend them: if you kill yourself for a good cause you will get prunes, women have to go sleep on the couch if they’re not horny, farts are sent from god to tell us about the motor car industry and if someone takes your picture your sons will be born with medusa dicks that writhe and spiral around singing Neil Diamond songs. So don’t do any of those things in front of them.
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Posted on September 30th, 2009 | 7 Comments
From the archives
Posted on September 29th, 2009 | 1 Comment
Tagged: cartoon, johnny ryan
Interview originally published 2006.
For a lot of people, going to university is an excuse to get wasted and take drugs all the time. The trick is to be really careful. Drugs are great fun and all that but they can also make you crazy, broke, suicidal and ruin all your inter-personal relationships. Then you have to live on the streets and eat burgers out of bins. Then you die. Like Peter Doherty (above), comedian Russell Brand was a huge drug addict. It got him fired from every job he ever had and now he has to make do with presenting that annoying Big Brother aftershow programme. Which is arguably worse than living in a cardboard box.
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Posted on September 27th, 2009 | 2 Comments
Tagged: crack, drugs, heroin, pete doherty, russell brand
From the archives
Anthony Emms is a sociology student at Goldsmiths College in south London. He lives on Shell Road, Lewisham with four other housemates in one of the most talked-about student residences in the city.
Vice: That’s an interesting sofa. Where did you find it?
Anthony: We came back home one night really drunk from the union and we thought it would be funny to carry it back home. There was a lot of shit in the lining like coins and broken glass but it doesn’t actually smell too bad.
It complements the table.
We like to have a social atmosphere in the house and we’re thrilled when people drop by and enjoy the ambience we’ve created here.
You must have some wonderful memories of those times.
Yes, I remember once, the five of us spent 13 hours straight watching the Live 8 concert on TV. It showed unity within the group at the time.
You’ve got an amazing collection of old console games scattered on the floor.
We like to appreciate culture and history. We’ve got the Sega Megadrive for old classics like Streets Of Rage, the N64 for Goldeneye, and of course, the Playstation Two for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
What’s the story behind the bus stop sign?
We were wrecked and I came up with the idea that if we stole it we wouldn’t have to walk to the bus stop every morning. Rather, it would come to us! We all thought this was an hilarious juxtaposition!
Hmmm. Can’t you at least clean the toilet?
No. There’s a real sense of authenticity there. It looks like somebody really used that room for something. We’ve all argued whether we should clean it up but it’s taken a good two and a half years to get it like that and changing that now would ruin its character. It’s like the bottles on the floor in the front room: they were put there for a reason. Whether the person passed out on the floor with it in their hand or they were too lazy to put it in the bin, they were still there for a reason. Understand?
DICK SNIFFER
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Posted on September 26th, 2009 | 6 Comments
Tagged: dirt, houses, sofa, table
From the archives
Photo by Ben Rayner. Article originally published 2006.
JME is the only Grime artist we know who’s been educated past senior school. He has about three albums worth of material ready, but won’t let any of the many labels wanting to sign him hear it. That’s his story anyway. To grime fans he’s the scene’s answer to Talib Kweli. To insiders he’s known as the scene’s “Doo-rag uni boy”. To everybody else he’s trying to copy Mike Skinner’s conversational style of rapping. Problem is he has no concept of things like “narrative” and instead raps about being the best lyricist from the toughest part of town.
Vice: What are you doing at uni?
JME: 3D Digital Design. It’s like a mix of graphics, computer animation and music stuff.
Good luck with that. Why aren’t more grime artists furthering their education?
I think some people are cut out for college and some aren’t. I think everyone should follow their own path. Don’t drop out ’cos your friends dropped out. Try hard at everything you do. I try hard at everything I do, and if I fail, I fail.
Can we do the “what was your lowest moment” question?
Probably when I came in at 9 A.M. and spent the whole day drawing a naked girl, which I didn’t mind. But I worked until 11 at night and had to get loads of trains and buses all across London to get home. I was carrying all my heavy uni shit across London after a long day.
THANDIE NEUTRON
Posted on September 24th, 2009 | No Comments
Tagged: grime, jme, Music
Posted on September 20th, 2009 | 1 Comment
Tagged: Tidbits
